On Telling Your Therapist

Hi there!! I think I have bpd and I'm currently in therapy for depression and anxiety but the more I learn about bpd the more I relate to it and so far I match up w almost all if not all of the symptoms. I want to bring it up w my therapist to see what she thinks or to see if she could help me but I'm not sure how. I was wondering if you had any advice on how to start the conversation w her. Thank you!! And I absolutely love your blog you are amazing. 💜💜💜

I know it can be scary to bring something new up to your therapist. You can start by writing down the symptoms you experience and giving the paper to her in your next session. Most likely she will ask you to talk about them, similarly to when you were first evaluated.

Be prepared to give examples. Since you have been seeing her for a while already it won’t be as scary as having to open up to a complete stranger. I did this same thing with a psychiatrist and that’s how I was diagnosed. If you think you will need a new therapist who understands how to handle BPD, maybe consider finding a dialectical behavioral therapist (DBT). It really makes all the difference. 

What Splitting Looks Like

Can you give me an example of splitting after a fight with your boyfriend? I'm sorry I've been asking so many questions. I'm just trying to figure out what a normal reaction and what a symptom would be in that situation. It's still so hard to differentiate for me.

After a long day my boyfriend is 20 minutes late to spend quality time with me. I feel distanced from him. Emotionally. I’m not consciously thinking it, but due to the rejection of feeling unimportant to someone I care about, I start to experience some emotional amnesia as in not remembering what it was like to feel secure in the relationship. <-The first sign of splitting.

I distract myself with other things. Youtube. Netflix. It’s numbing me out and I’m barely aware of the change in perception. I'm barely aware that I'm even feeling abandoned (because logically that would not make sense. He's sitting in the living room.).

When he finally comes to bed, I'm less inclined to put my arms around him. He's joking with me because in his mind nothings changed, but to me, as someone who has momentarily forgotten what it’s like to love him wholeheartedly, I find myself feeling annoyed. <-Second sign of splitting.

If my feelings were thoughts they’d say, “My passion for you is gone, how are you fucking laughing right now? Guess you never cared from the start if you have the nerve to take this shit lightly.”. <-Third sign of splitting. 

Mind you, I’m not expressing anything other than defensive body language because I’m so irritated and don’t know what to say.

I finally say something snappy out of pent up anger and annoyance. He defends himself. We argue. Even the way he looks to me is now tainted by those distorted black thoughts. <-Fourth sign of splitting.

I’m vaguely recalling what it felt to care about him just this morning. It was nice to find him handsome, clever, funny…caring. It’s weird and scary not to remember what that feels like. I'm angry his act of abandonment has taken those good thoughts away from me. I hate him. <-NAIL IN THE FUCKING COFFIN. I’M SPLITTING, AHH!!!

-end scene-

On Preventing the Worst

My loved one said she wanted to die because her past is to hurtful and that her present is affected by it. She explain how much she's been and is suffering for 3 hours. The day after she was splitting on me and telling me to leave her alone to go away. It's been 3 months I am worried and cannot get in touch with her without her saying to leave her alone. She's a person with quiet bpd. It's confusing she definitely told me cause she needs help from me. I tried to tell her she's splitting and she told me you're right nothing is good from you. How can I help and prevent the worst?

I hope you understand that this is a very delicate situation and that’s why I’m not jumping to tell you to turn them into a hospital or even convince them to seek therapy because none of that will help them recover unless they want it for themselves. Especially at a time when they are currently pushing you away. The truth is if the person with BPD isn’t willing to let you in, you need to respect their boundaries and give them their distance.

At this point, best bet is to give them one last chance to let you in or not. Be very clear about your intention when you reach out to them this last time. You can do this with the interpersonal effectiveness skill DEAR MAN. 

This skill will help you…

Know what to say:

D - describe the situation. 

E - express your feelings and opinions.

A - assert yourself by clearly asking for what you want and need. 

R - reinforce the positive outcome you envision.

and

How to say it:

M - be mindful of the interaction. The “why” behind it all.

A - appear confident.

N - negotiate. Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for solutions to the problem.

How you might use this in your situation:

Describe - “I notice that you’ve been dealing with some very difficult feelings and distancing yourself from me lately.”

Express - “I care about you a lot and I’m afraid of losing you. I worry about the worst happening and want to do anything I possibly can to make sure you are ok. I know that whatever you decide is totally up to you; I just need you to know how much I care.”

Assert -  “If you would let me be here for you in any way that you’re comfortable, you wouldn’t have to be alone in what you’re going through.” 

Reinforce - “I will be here for you in good times and in bad. I just need stable communication from you.”

Mindful - Don’t lose focus of the objective if the conversation takes an unexpected turn.

Appear confident - Don’t put yourself down, beg, or apologize just for the sake of appeasing them.

Negotiate - A potential negotiation I imagine for your scenario is: your loved one not willing to openly communicate at this time. If this happens, concede and offer that they communicate with you when they feel ready, but ask them to establish whether or not they want you in their life now. 

As a borderline, if a loved one articulated how they felt using these techniques, I might actually believe they care about me despite my disorder telling me otherwise. This caring language paired with assertion and confidence would signal to me that a decision on my part needs to be made. Am I willing to make a change? Go out of my comfort zone by letting this person in? It would ultimately be up to me. 

After all is said and done, the answer may still be “No, I don’t want you in my life”. This is the risk you’ll have to take in letting them know how much you care while still maintaining healthy boundaries. You will never be able to control what they decide to do, but at best you can communicate that you are a safe person should they decide to keep you in their life. 

This is a scary and difficult position to be in. I’m wishing you the best of luck. You can always message me if you want to vent and need a borderline’s perspective.

On Perceived Rejection

I have social anxiety and bpd traits. I was wondering how u got to the point of actually having a bf. There's this guy that likes me and I him, but anytime it's close to getting to that relationship point; I wreck it? Idk. I was wondering if you had any struggle in that area and how you managed it? Also, I have no idea how he still likes me and I keep thinking he hates me but then he still initiates convo?

I also have social anxiety and BPD. My boyfriend and I laid the foundation of friendship before we started dating. We were strictly platonic with no ulterior motives, which gave us a lot of time to get to know each other minus the romantic ornamental bullshit. He knew I had problems with intimacy and so when we got together it wasn’t such a shock that I had social anxiety and didn’t like to kiss.

There was a guy before him though who probably did not understand me at all. I felt a lot like you’re feeling now. I experienced perceived rejection when really I had no idea what he was thinking because we never talked about it. I blamed myself for the awkwardness, but looking back he wasn’t a safe person. There’s a reason why I didn’t open up and it’s because we just weren’t compatible. I didn’t feel he would understand my mental illness. 

I’m going to give you the advice I wish I could give myself back then. Your thinking he hates you is more of a belief that’s manifesting itself into perceived rejection. Remember that distinction. Perceived rejection. I know that it feels real. No one can say you aren’t feeling the rejection, but reminding yourself that it’s just perception can help you discern the root of your insecurity. Maybe you feel unworthy of intimacy or you think you’re incapable of being in a relationship? Whatever it is, it’s not you. It’s your insecurity, one that you can explore, accept, and hopefully change.

Aside from the inner work, if you really want answers, you need to ask for them. Ask for reassurance even if it makes you nervous. How does he feel about you? What does he want out of your interactions? And once you feel this person is safe, maybe you can open up about your mental health.

Penpal Love

i really appreciate your blog & your caring attitude and all your posts about what you go through help me so much bc i constantly doubt myself for not acting out like others w bpd and your posts are super reassuring and ily :)

Ily! Thank you so much. This made my day. I have been depressed all month and trying to find things to look forward to. Please feel free to message me if you’re going through bullshit. I really like to help and understand other people. I don’t care how small the triggers seem. I know they are rooted to deeper things and I will do my best to help.

On Being Your Own Detective

Is it possible for splitting to happen without a trigger or is it just a trigger I'm unaware of?

Personally my splitting episodes always come from a trigger. Now I am good about finding the source. I’m tired of letting black and white thinking mess with my interpersonal relationships so I do the work.

It may seem foreign to do, but if you’re tired like me, get into the habit of retracing your triggers. You need to be your own detective. Even if the trigger is as trivial as someone glancing at their phone mid-conversation because it reminds you of feeling unimportant. Get used to validating those triggers because they are always rooted to something deeper. 

Tips: Pause when you feel something is not right. Write down what you’re feeling (angry, anxious, paranoid, morose) and the activities in the day that could have caused the emotion. If you don’t have access to your journal, download the CBT Diary app, it’s free. Train yourself to explore what hurt you down to the nitty gritty details as weird as it feels. The more you do it the easier it’ll be to pinpoint a pattern until you won’t have to write it down anymore. Until you can anticipate each trigger before they happen. You’ll feel a sense of control like never before.

On Resources

Recently I was warded and diagnosed with BPD. Its been a hard road but seeing you answer questions about it makes me feel not as alone as I thought I once was. Thank you for the informative posts.

No, thank you for reading! I wish you the best of luck. Here are some resources that help me through recovery:

For understanding Borderline nuance: Dr. Fox and his BPD Workbook 

For relatability: RecoveryMum

For quick learnings: Therapy in a Nutshell

For mindfulness practice: Mindful Movement

For dark humor: Mental Illness Happy Hour