On Emotional Permanence

“Emotional Object Constancy, like Emotional Permanence, allows a person to understand that just because they are in an argument with someone they're in a relationship with, it doesn't mean the relationship is over or that the other person doesn't care about them.” (Better Help)

I’m looking at old photos of my mom and feeling like a shitty daughter. This always happens. I see pictures with people I once loved and feel sad and ashamed. It’s like I forget how it felt to love someone when there’s ever an argument or disagreement, and with my mom, there were many. This is splitting. Splitting is such a staple to intimacy in all my close relationships that I flinch at the thought of getting close to anyone. How confusing it must be to be close to me.

My mom and I were close. I still remember looking out the window every five minutes at the faint sound of cars, hoping it was her, like some needy puppy. I remember calling her work phone every hour. If I couldn't reach her, I became triggered, imagining she got into a car accident or was actively ignoring me. When she got home I’d fight with her almost like an angry spouse who had just caught their partner cheating. She was my original FP (favorite person) and I loved her the most, but this meant I also split on her the most -hated her the most.

I slept in her bed until I was 12 and couldn’t fall asleep without her unless I masturbated until I was too tired to stay up. I didn’t fantasize about anything sexual; I did it to fall asleep. My addiction to masturbating lead me down a weird path of feeling numb during sex in my 20’s, despite having a sex addiction, but more on my complex sex trauma in another post. I just wonder if she ever knew what I was doing. Why wouldn’t she stop me? Correct me? Give me other ways to cope?

At 13, my mom and I grew apart due to constant miscommunication. Though she doted on me, our relationship lacked trust. She would mislead me in so many ways just to get me to abide by her rules. There was never direct parenting. Aggressive passivity is what I’d call it, which in some ways feels worse than outright aggression because it’s just so mindfucky and confusing. I resented her for that.

Things started to get better when I got a job, moved out, and made decisions independently, like addressing my illnesses (that she didn’t believe in) with a therapist and moving in with my new FP, my boyfriend. I had one or two outbursts when I’d visit (she insinuated I looked ‘crazy’ and couldn’t get a job), but now out on my own and no longer at the risk of being tricked by her lies, things were less tumultuous. I even started to miss her.

In the past few years, our relationship turned into something new. Not exactly the kind of mother daughter relationship where I could tell her about my BPD (she isn’t very emotionally available), but the kind that relies on light banter and gift-giving to show love. A few seminal moments are her talking me through the night while I was grieving the loss of my dog and then through the day whenever I was swamped with work anxiety. We never dive too deep, but she is always there. 

I was up late having intrusive thoughts about my mom suddenly dying of an aneurysm and thought, “Oh I miss her…”. Why my thoughts of death are my strongest indication for love and care, I’ll never know, but that’s me -that’s my sliver of emotional permanence and I will take what I can get. 

Maybe I’ll frame the photos.

On Being the Favorite

I think I'm someone's FP and I can't be. I'm the most unreliable FP they could possibly have and I think they're noticing that and they're using every tactic they have against me to get more attention and it's regressing me, idk what to do.

There is no such thing as an unreliable or reliable favorite person. The concept of favorite people is a myth some borderlines cling to in order to feel safe in their chaotic world of mood swings and splitting. (I’m guilty of it and constantly need to check myself.).

I don’t exactly know what they are saying to you, but I sense that you feel cornered. Just remember that you have every right to feel uncomfortable and you are allowed to lay down boundaries (or even end the relationship all together). It may sound nice to be admired as a favorite person, but in reality being on a pedestal is just as dehumanizing being devalued. You’re no longer a person who is allowed to be a person.

What Splitting Looks Like

Can you give me an example of splitting after a fight with your boyfriend? I'm sorry I've been asking so many questions. I'm just trying to figure out what a normal reaction and what a symptom would be in that situation. It's still so hard to differentiate for me.

After a long day my boyfriend is 20 minutes late to spend quality time with me. I feel distanced from him. Emotionally. I’m not consciously thinking it, but due to the rejection of feeling unimportant to someone I care about, I start to experience some emotional amnesia as in not remembering what it was like to feel secure in the relationship. <-The first sign of splitting.

I distract myself with other things. Youtube. Netflix. It’s numbing me out and I’m barely aware of the change in perception. I'm barely aware that I'm even feeling abandoned (because logically that would not make sense. He's sitting in the living room.).

When he finally comes to bed, I'm less inclined to put my arms around him. He's joking with me because in his mind nothings changed, but to me, as someone who has momentarily forgotten what it’s like to love him wholeheartedly, I find myself feeling annoyed. <-Second sign of splitting.

If my feelings were thoughts they’d say, “My passion for you is gone, how are you fucking laughing right now? Guess you never cared from the start if you have the nerve to take this shit lightly.”. <-Third sign of splitting. 

Mind you, I’m not expressing anything other than defensive body language because I’m so irritated and don’t know what to say.

I finally say something snappy out of pent up anger and annoyance. He defends himself. We argue. Even the way he looks to me is now tainted by those distorted black thoughts. <-Fourth sign of splitting.

I’m vaguely recalling what it felt to care about him just this morning. It was nice to find him handsome, clever, funny…caring. It’s weird and scary not to remember what that feels like. I'm angry his act of abandonment has taken those good thoughts away from me. I hate him. <-NAIL IN THE FUCKING COFFIN. I’M SPLITTING, AHH!!!

-end scene-

On Perceived Rejection

I have social anxiety and bpd traits. I was wondering how u got to the point of actually having a bf. There's this guy that likes me and I him, but anytime it's close to getting to that relationship point; I wreck it? Idk. I was wondering if you had any struggle in that area and how you managed it? Also, I have no idea how he still likes me and I keep thinking he hates me but then he still initiates convo?

I also have social anxiety and BPD. My boyfriend and I laid the foundation of friendship before we started dating. We were strictly platonic with no ulterior motives, which gave us a lot of time to get to know each other minus the romantic ornamental bullshit. He knew I had problems with intimacy and so when we got together it wasn’t such a shock that I had social anxiety and didn’t like to kiss.

There was a guy before him though who probably did not understand me at all. I felt a lot like you’re feeling now. I experienced perceived rejection when really I had no idea what he was thinking because we never talked about it. I blamed myself for the awkwardness, but looking back he wasn’t a safe person. There’s a reason why I didn’t open up and it’s because we just weren’t compatible. I didn’t feel he would understand my mental illness. 

I’m going to give you the advice I wish I could give myself back then. Your thinking he hates you is more of a belief that’s manifesting itself into perceived rejection. Remember that distinction. Perceived rejection. I know that it feels real. No one can say you aren’t feeling the rejection, but reminding yourself that it’s just perception can help you discern the root of your insecurity. Maybe you feel unworthy of intimacy or you think you’re incapable of being in a relationship? Whatever it is, it’s not you. It’s your insecurity, one that you can explore, accept, and hopefully change.

Aside from the inner work, if you really want answers, you need to ask for them. Ask for reassurance even if it makes you nervous. How does he feel about you? What does he want out of your interactions? And once you feel this person is safe, maybe you can open up about your mental health.