Nip Splitting in the Bud

Think of this exercise as DBT Pros and Cons list for your splitting thoughts! If you’ve ever wanted to catch your splitting thoughts in mid-air to slow them down in order to reframe them, here’s how:

Example of how to use this chart. Read step by step instructions below!

Fill out your own chart section by section:

1. IDEALIZED: Tap into your idealized thoughts about the thing that is triggering you. What are those thoughts?

2. Pros for Idealizing: What do you get out of thinking this thing/person is all good? How does idealizing serve you?

3. Cons for idealizing: What are the consequences of thinking this thing/person is all good? How does this hurt you?

4. DEVALUED: Tap into your devalued thoughts about the thing that is triggering you. What are those black splitting thoughts?

5. Pros for devaluing: What do you get out of thinking this thing/person is all bad?

6. Cons for devaluing: How does thinking this thing/person is all bad hurt you?

7. BALANCED: Integrate both idealized and devalued thoughts.

8. Pros for balance: How does coming up with a balanced way of thinking help you?

9. There are no cons for thinking in a balanced way other than it may feel uncomfortable if you’re used to splitting white or black!

Splitting Chart (blank). Download me!

Circle of Intimacy

Fill in the names of people in your life to their corresponding circles. This exercise will help you map out how to communicate with the various people in your life and guide you to proper boundary setting.

On a personal note, this exercise keeps me from oversharing. Not every single person I meet belongs in my inner circle and should have access to intimate details. On another hand, this exercise also motivates me to open up more to close family or friends, and intimates so that I’m actively allowing intimacy into my life!

Ex. of a filled out Circle of Intimacy chart with names.

Create your own!

Circle of Intimacy Chart (blank) Download Me!

How’re you feeling?

Bored with DBT mood diaries? Try this variation. Jot down how you feel throughout the day in blocks rather than hour after hour. I find mood charts less daunting because I don’t feel obligated to remember to write shit down every hour. I write as I please!

On Developing a Sense of Self

Follow these goals and practices to garner a strong sense of identity and independence. 

Be with yourself:

Our fear of being alone stems from the pervasive emptiness we feel. This can make solitude seem scary so I advise to dip your toe into some alone time rather than deep dive right into solitude. If this is very challenging, try timing it out, like giving yourself 30 minutes to mindfully spend time with yourself doing whatever you feel like doing (given it’s not a harmful activity). Think of it as working out. You’re building a muscle you don’t have yet- independence, a sense of self.

DBT Pros and Cons for decision making:

DBT pros and cons is a practice you could get used to for forming self-reliance when met with dilemmas. Essentially you are exploring the outcome of two decisions, but in a more detailed way. You’re getting down to the pros and cons of doing something vs not doing it.

 I used this many times when analyzing whether or not I should leave relationships or jobs. Here’s an example of how to do DBT pros and cons.

Be your number 1 advisor, then ask for reality checks:

While it’s great to have people to depend on, it would be wise to think of yourself as your number one advisor. What feels right to you? Get into the habit of asking yourself this, reflecting on it, and experiencing your own intuition first. Then you can reach out for your closest pals to give you what I call reality checks. 

Reality checks are an objective perspective on the issue or trigger at hand. It’s why we go to therapy, so someone can tell us what it looks like from the outside. This is important because as borderlines we are prone to cognitive distortions. Black and white is our default way of thinking most of the time. Think of this process as learning to find your gray. 

So it goes in this order:

1. Reflect on the trigger/issue and expand on what you feel.

2. Identify if your thoughts are black or white as a result of this emotion.

3. What does your intuition say?

4. Ask for a reality check.

Once this starts to feel more natural to you, you’ll realize how much more independent and self-reliant you’ve come to be and will feel more confident handling the bullshit triggers to come in the future.

Thank you for reading and cheers to you and your recovery!

The Truth About Recovery

• Urges don’t necessarily go away when you get better

• Intrusive thoughts about past addictions don’t mean you are broken

• Intrusive thoughts are indicators that you feel really bad and probably need to self-care

• Turning intrusive thought into indicators rather than self-ridicule is the best thing you can do for yourself

• Having an urge after many months does not mean you failed

• Relapsing does not mean you failed

• Giving in after a long period of abstaining is still progress

• Close friends will most likely not judge you as much as you think they will

• Wanting to share relapsing or past self-harm does not make you manipulative
  

Unpacking or Emptying?

by @afrofreyjan

I need love and support to counteract the shame; I need love and belonging to have the moral strength of character I seek to embody. I am weakest when isolated, shamed, and separated.

All the tears I cry for the harm I’ve done don’t equip me with the fortitude to do better, or to let myself learn how.

A broken me isn’t a better me; shame & guilt don’t improve upon the trauma that’s been done to me, or by me.

Whatever pain and suffering I keep shouting at myself saying I deserve, won’t solve anything, won’t aid anyone, can’t heal anything.

When did I stop caring about the pain, wounds, scars done to me? When did I accept this brokenness as a way of being, as if others had no hand in this?

When am I allowed to break the things that have wounded me? Am I the only one that’s not allowed to be angry at how I’ve been treated?

I prayed for so long to stop hurting that I didn’t realize I was calling numbness a blessing. That if I couldn’t remember all the agony, I could shape and become a new me.

I’m at an airport with no luggage; the wisdom in this statement is that I’m the baggage—and the fool.

Meditating on goodness didn’t undo the abuse or unpack the trauma that makes me feel so morally inadequate. When the comrades I want to support are harmed by my privilege, my body, my traumatized being, I dig the sword deeper.

Who taught me that hurting myself was an act of love, or atonement? Who taught me that remorse meant hating myself?

Who deceived me into believing that destroying myself for others was a righteous or holy thing?

Do I not matter?

Who taught me to withhold love from myself and call that a virtue?

I have all this wisdom and it amounts to nothing, because I’ve been starved of love.

I keep thinking if I knew better, I’d do better. But I’ve swallowed texts whole and still don’t know how to stop the bad things or being the problem.

I am wise and blind; determined but chaotic. My greatest strength is my fatal flaw and I feel to shattered to be stainglass.

Who taught me to hate my own emotions? That wisdom or maturity is carving them out of me? That feeling less was the solution to feeling bad; that the proper response to my own pain was to turn down the volume and keep on moving forward?

As if anywhere I’d end up would be good...

On Emotional Permanence

“Emotional Object Constancy, like Emotional Permanence, allows a person to understand that just because they are in an argument with someone they're in a relationship with, it doesn't mean the relationship is over or that the other person doesn't care about them.” (Better Help)

I’m looking at old photos of my mom and feeling like a shitty daughter. This always happens. I see pictures with people I once loved and feel sad and ashamed. It’s like I forget how it felt to love someone when there’s ever an argument or disagreement, and with my mom, there were many. This is splitting. Splitting is such a staple to intimacy in all my close relationships that I flinch at the thought of getting close to anyone. How confusing it must be to be close to me.

My mom and I were close. I still remember looking out the window every five minutes at the faint sound of cars, hoping it was her, like some needy puppy. I remember calling her work phone every hour. If I couldn't reach her, I became triggered, imagining she got into a car accident or was actively ignoring me. When she got home I’d fight with her almost like an angry spouse who had just caught their partner cheating. She was my original FP (favorite person) and I loved her the most, but this meant I also split on her the most -hated her the most.

I slept in her bed until I was 12 and couldn’t fall asleep without her unless I masturbated until I was too tired to stay up. I didn’t fantasize about anything sexual; I did it to fall asleep. My addiction to masturbating lead me down a weird path of feeling numb during sex in my 20’s, despite having a sex addiction, but more on my complex sex trauma in another post. I just wonder if she ever knew what I was doing. Why wouldn’t she stop me? Correct me? Give me other ways to cope?

At 13, my mom and I grew apart due to constant miscommunication. Though she doted on me, our relationship lacked trust. She would mislead me in so many ways just to get me to abide by her rules. There was never direct parenting. Aggressive passivity is what I’d call it, which in some ways feels worse than outright aggression because it’s just so mindfucky and confusing. I resented her for that.

Things started to get better when I got a job, moved out, and made decisions independently, like addressing my illnesses (that she didn’t believe in) with a therapist and moving in with my new FP, my boyfriend. I had one or two outbursts when I’d visit (she insinuated I looked ‘crazy’ and couldn’t get a job), but now out on my own and no longer at the risk of being tricked by her lies, things were less tumultuous. I even started to miss her.

In the past few years, our relationship turned into something new. Not exactly the kind of mother daughter relationship where I could tell her about my BPD (she isn’t very emotionally available), but the kind that relies on light banter and gift-giving to show love. A few seminal moments are her talking me through the night while I was grieving the loss of my dog and then through the day whenever I was swamped with work anxiety. We never dive too deep, but she is always there. 

I was up late having intrusive thoughts about my mom suddenly dying of an aneurysm and thought, “Oh I miss her…”. Why my thoughts of death are my strongest indication for love and care, I’ll never know, but that’s me -that’s my sliver of emotional permanence and I will take what I can get. 

Maybe I’ll frame the photos.

On Supporting Someone With BPD

If you ever want to support someone with BPD, keep this in mind:

It’s hard to put into words our inability to feel like a real person. Not in a dissociative identity disorder type of way, but in a -you never commit to anything because frequent triggers sidetrack your ideals, ambitions, preferences, and you never know who the fuck you are -type of way.

Even if we can’t articulate it, our version of “confusion” and “feeling bad” is having our persona/mood suddenly change based on how rough or kind the day has been.

We aren’t entitled to let our moods dictate our behavior, but it would help tremendously if we knew our experiences were validated rather than questioned or scrutinized, that when we say ‘I feel bad and want to die’, you don’t think we’re looking for pity or justification for our shitty decisions. We’re saying it because we would rather dissolve than feel like a terminally ambivalent little parasite. We’re saying it because we want to escape the overwhelm. We’re saying it because we don’t know how else to tell you “I’m not a real person.”

On Making It Work

It can be hard when you’re used to wearing a mask around everyone but your fp (favorite person), leaving them with the brunt of your horrible day. Today I was cranky and anxious, but stopped myself from taking it out on him. I treated my bpd to save my relationship because my fp was such a significant part of my recovery.

Can’t tell if I’m idealizing myself or what, I just feel really confident after today. Like I can actually find reasons why someone would love me. When he looks at me surprised/overjoyed that I've cooked or bought him gifts, it reminds me to take pride in me, the ways I care.

I’m happy to have someone so opposite of me, someone who can help me rationalize my emotional urges, someone Spock-like and intelligent, someone worth forgiving, someone to remind me that I’m not a horrible person.

Borderline relationships are possible and they’re fucking beautiful because in order to thrive, you *have* to talk about shit. You *have* to know each other’s struggles uniquely and intimately or else you’ll allow them to cripple your bond.

Tip for fp: When the borderline lashes out, they are really just hating themselves and feel comfy enough to express raw emotions around you. That and they may not even know why they feel bad and just want you to comfort them. 

 Tip for the borderline: Despite the fp’s inability to fully comprehend our intense emotions, they, too, have troubling emotions of their own and don’t deserve to be yelled at, no matter how bad you feel.

Pro Tip: Favorite Persons, Don’t walk on eggshells, but please try to remember our triggers. It helps a lot!

On Staying Sick

My life is falling apart all around me. Some days I have hope and want things to get better but other days I do not. I have been in pain so long the very idea of getting rid of it terrify s the living fuck out of me. A lot of the time I really do feel crazy. Why else would I want to stay sick? I try and analyze that and ask myself what do I get out of being sick that I wont get from being healthy? And the honest rational answer is nothing. I will still have my boyfriend's love and support even when I am healthy. I can still go to him and say I am sad I need some love. Yet for some reason it doesn’t feel the same. Which makes me think I like seeing people worried and fretting that I will kill myself I must like the constant attention and validation that comes from that. I can say why that is but we all have our fucking sob stories and I feel like I should be able to bury the past in the past. Yet here I am still self destructing. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Felt so selfish.

I have. When I like seeing people worry, I feel manipulative (not saying you are, but I view myself like this when I do it). I used to only trust negative reactions, like people in fear that they’ll lose me, as the only indications they truly cared. It was a lonely place to be and I get where you’re coming from.

My therapist described “wanting to stay sick” as walking through a crop field and having been going down one direction where the path is already traveled. You will always want to choose that way first. There’s no struggle, each step is practically second nature. 

You logically know you want to get better (go the other path), but it’ll take so much work to bustle around and see where you’re going. That's what getting healthy feels like right now -a mysterious path untraveled that will take a lot more energy to walk through. Feeling challenged is no reason to be hard on yourself, it’s no reason to minimize the things you’ve gone through. Don’t admit defeat yet. You’re trying to change your behavior, which is incredibly fucking hard.

This is a fact: You’ve had years and years of going down a familiar path, years and years on top of the smaller amount of time you spent trying to get healthy.

Look at it from that perspective, and it’s perfectly normal you’d react this way to recovery.

Love On the Borderline

Splitting - verb -a psychological mechanism which allows one to tolerate difficult and overwhelming emotions by seeing someone as either good or bad, idealized or devalued.

Splitting is never trusting happiness, closeness, intimacy because you’re all too familiar with the loss of it. Not because people are inherently bad and distrustful, but because your warped mind will turn it upside down somehow, perceiving rejection even when it isn’t there. Splitting is emotional impermanence. Maybe it was always this bleak and you were disillusioned with buoyancy and adoration before. 

 What happened to the flowery prose I had written about a minute ago. I can’t reach the precious thoughts I had about tomorrow. In fact, remembering that I once felt hopeful and alive only highlights how trapped I am in this moment;  the dirt in my fingernails, a limp flower in a cracked vase. I’m splitting. The pleasant thoughts evaporated and instead I’m filled with heavy rocks: That time you couldn’t make it.  Forgetting my favorite movie. That pithy joke about my looks. I sink. 

I cried at the realization that I loved you. That something as simple remembering your favorite dog meant we were close. They were happy tears. I had a friend I wasn’t splitting on, for once. Until the day I finally did. You disagreed with an idea and maybe I had already been raw with jealousy and insecurity. I let your strengths define my weakness. Would you call it envy? 

Splitting is a mechanism of my insecurity, an attempt to control. If I know someone is all good or all bad then I know what to love and to avoid. What to do when I’m faced with the truth -the people I love are not infallible and will disappoint me some day. Will it always be this painful teetering between admiration and disappointment. Trying not to love too hard or hate too fiercely? Disappointment is only as strong as the idealization. How to manage the two? How to stop myself from loving the hell out of someone I really love? 

I love you.

On Emotional Dishonesty

Hi. Advice pls. My wife has bpd & has a male friend who texts her all the time. I know he has strong feelings for her. She lies to me about contact with him. If i mention it she gets angry and shuts me down. How do i talk & set boundaries with this?

Whether or not she is cheating, she’s being emotionally dishonest and you should say something using the DEAR MAN technique (taught in DBT).

D - describe factual things about the scenario. Your opinion is not allowed: 

“I notice this male friend is texting you more than a couple times a day” (rather than saying ‘I found out you’ve been sneaking texts all day.’)

E- express. Express the emotion you feel about the scenario.

“When i can see that you hide things from me, I get scared”

A - assert what you want/need. 

“I hate to trigger you and make you angry. I just need to tell you that I’m afraid of losing you and would like us to be honest about what we do, especially if it involves someone who is not in our relationship.”

R - reinforce how you feel, your take on the situation, and how a change can improve your relationship.

“I get upset and scared whenever i think about us not being honest with each other. I think if we can agree to be honest about who we contact then we could have better conversations that don’t have to escalate into fights.”

M - mindful. Stay mindful while you’re talking (or writing). Stay focused on the topic and don’t let it stray from this situation to another one. Keep a mellow tone so as not to turn the confrontation into an argument. If she attacks you verbally, bring the topic back to the issue at hand. You can deal with the attack in another conversation, don’t let her divert your focus.

A - appear confident. Have appropriate eye contact. Have a confident tone as you deliver your message.

N-negotiate. Be willing to give to get. Come to a compromise or acknowledge that she may disagree with you, but that you will not be disrespected and lied to.

“I am not able to allow you to text this person behind my back, but you really seem to want me to. What can we do here?”

-the “What can we do here?” Shows her you aren’t trying to discipline or tell her what to do, but that you really just want to be able to trust her.

Excuse the formal language. These are just examples to help you get an idea of what your tone and angle should be. When you confront her, I’m sure it’ll sound natural. 

I Took Shrooms and Saw My BPD

I did shrooms last weekend and saw my BPD. It manifested itself as teeth. Cartoon sabertooth fangs.  The outline a bit blurry, like a faded sun before dusk. 

I meditated , eyes closed, to Khruangbin, seeing triangular patterns swirling to the melodies. The fangs would appear and vanish at my peripheral. My mind’s way of conceptualizing the core beliefs that lurk the corners of my mind. That I’m not worthy of love, never good enough, not important etc. etc. You know the drill. Always there. Though now, here. A figment that should have been alarming,  but did not scare me in my psychedelic stupor. 

The trippy triangle patterns stole the show. Flickering to different colors like tiny frosted Christmas lights. Entranced by the visuals, I heard (or felt?) a message,  “This is you. ”.  And saw (or felt?) the different phases of recovery in my life - back when I quit taking uppers and started to care about my body enough to go to kickboxing and yoga classes, to quit smoking, to quit seeing bad people. Back when I cut off my best friends and experienced life for the first time independently (without a favorite person). The shroom gods  were basically showing me all the reasons why I should love myself, that I don’t appreciate myself enough for all that I’ve done. Far from an ego death.  I felt held and loved.  Accepted for who I am. Even with the “teeth”.

The doors of perception communicated to me that I’ve learned to live with my BPD  in such a way where the real me can coexist with the disordered “me”. After years of challenging my cognitive distortions and behavioral patterns, I’ve mined myself into the self-aware and tenacious person that I am today. I will never have a so-called “normal” life and I accept that. I can live with the setbacks of BPD. My disorder is like a wild animal that’s hounded me for decades. Only now I’ve tamed it enough to respect me as the one behind the wheel. 

I might have a splitting thought here and there about a loved one (or myself) every week. It’s irritating. Annoys me. Gives me a bad mood. But it’s manageable.  I let my BPD do its thing (in private via journaling, crying, talking to someone safe ) so that it’s processed and out of my system. My foundational sense of self is so pronounced that there is no way I will blindly follow those impulses that once ruled me. While they are experienced by me, they are not mine. They are the disorder.  And I don’t say that to  reject the beast that is BPD. I let it roam free, give it space to run its course -ultimately, it knows its place. 

While psychedelics aren’t for everyone, I enjoy their ability to offer me a new perspective from the habitual belief system I unconsciously follow everyday. After my trip I can envision a future where I’ve even transcended this current phase of recovery. It will no longer be thoughts of harming or hating myself when I make a mistake, but thoughts of “What could I have done differently?” “What do I need right now to feel better?”. I’ve made it to such great heights. What’s stopping me? BPD sure as hell isn’t.

On Cutting Ties

I had to cut things off with a toxic friend. She has bpd. The problem is, she is rude and hurtful to people (including myself) when she doesn't take her meds. She normally tosses them behind a bed when her mom gives them to her. Am I in the wrong?

You don’t need to justify cutting toxic people out of your life (mental illness or not). Mental illness is no excuse to be an asshole. I’m not overlooking the struggles borderlines may face that challenge them from having healthy and consistent relationships. I am making the distinction that enduring those struggles is not an excuse for hurting other people. You’re not wrong for protecting yourself.

On Being the Favorite

I think I'm someone's FP and I can't be. I'm the most unreliable FP they could possibly have and I think they're noticing that and they're using every tactic they have against me to get more attention and it's regressing me, idk what to do.

There is no such thing as an unreliable or reliable favorite person. The concept of favorite people is a myth some borderlines cling to in order to feel safe in their chaotic world of mood swings and splitting. (I’m guilty of it and constantly need to check myself.).

I don’t exactly know what they are saying to you, but I sense that you feel cornered. Just remember that you have every right to feel uncomfortable and you are allowed to lay down boundaries (or even end the relationship all together). It may sound nice to be admired as a favorite person, but in reality being on a pedestal is just as dehumanizing being devalued. You’re no longer a person who is allowed to be a person.

On the Best Drug in the World

I think my BPD is making me fall for people really fast. It's kind of awkward I get really intense crushes really quick. Does anyone else get that?

Sure do. My version of lust is more of a crush/puppy-love high through the perception that I’m being desired. It doesn’t matter whether I’m into the other person or not.

What it feels like: When you think someone has a crush on you who you don’t even like, but feel so intoxicated by the validation and ego boost because it distracts you from feeling like a worthless nobody so you start to care what they think and that tricks you into thinking you actually like them and you pay extra close attention to signs they may like you and when they do something that you perceive as rejection you start to split and hate them and wonder why you cared that much in the first place when there was no initial attraction there :). 

I think I’m too afraid of rejection to want someone who may not want me.

On Telling Your Therapist

Hi there!! I think I have bpd and I'm currently in therapy for depression and anxiety but the more I learn about bpd the more I relate to it and so far I match up w almost all if not all of the symptoms. I want to bring it up w my therapist to see what she thinks or to see if she could help me but I'm not sure how. I was wondering if you had any advice on how to start the conversation w her. Thank you!! And I absolutely love your blog you are amazing. 💜💜💜

I know it can be scary to bring something new up to your therapist. You can start by writing down the symptoms you experience and giving the paper to her in your next session. Most likely she will ask you to talk about them, similarly to when you were first evaluated.

Be prepared to give examples. Since you have been seeing her for a while already it won’t be as scary as having to open up to a complete stranger. I did this same thing with a psychiatrist and that’s how I was diagnosed. If you think you will need a new therapist who understands how to handle BPD, maybe consider finding a dialectical behavioral therapist (DBT). It really makes all the difference. 

What Splitting Looks Like

Can you give me an example of splitting after a fight with your boyfriend? I'm sorry I've been asking so many questions. I'm just trying to figure out what a normal reaction and what a symptom would be in that situation. It's still so hard to differentiate for me.

After a long day my boyfriend is 20 minutes late to spend quality time with me. I feel distanced from him. Emotionally. I’m not consciously thinking it, but due to the rejection of feeling unimportant to someone I care about, I start to experience some emotional amnesia as in not remembering what it was like to feel secure in the relationship. <-The first sign of splitting.

I distract myself with other things. Youtube. Netflix. It’s numbing me out and I’m barely aware of the change in perception. I'm barely aware that I'm even feeling abandoned (because logically that would not make sense. He's sitting in the living room.).

When he finally comes to bed, I'm less inclined to put my arms around him. He's joking with me because in his mind nothings changed, but to me, as someone who has momentarily forgotten what it’s like to love him wholeheartedly, I find myself feeling annoyed. <-Second sign of splitting.

If my feelings were thoughts they’d say, “My passion for you is gone, how are you fucking laughing right now? Guess you never cared from the start if you have the nerve to take this shit lightly.”. <-Third sign of splitting. 

Mind you, I’m not expressing anything other than defensive body language because I’m so irritated and don’t know what to say.

I finally say something snappy out of pent up anger and annoyance. He defends himself. We argue. Even the way he looks to me is now tainted by those distorted black thoughts. <-Fourth sign of splitting.

I’m vaguely recalling what it felt to care about him just this morning. It was nice to find him handsome, clever, funny…caring. It’s weird and scary not to remember what that feels like. I'm angry his act of abandonment has taken those good thoughts away from me. I hate him. <-NAIL IN THE FUCKING COFFIN. I’M SPLITTING, AHH!!!

-end scene-

On the Borderline Lens

Hey, I talked to you about a month ago about my friend with BPD who I broke up with. I know this is vague, but I was just wondering if there was anything you could tell me about BPD. I know about it in general, but I was also wondering... How much does it hurt? What kinds of things trigger the most pain for you? I'm so sorry of this is intrusive or rude, I am just so curious about it. You don't have to get back to me by any means, and again I'm sorry if I've offended

For me, BPD is a terminal ambivalence towards life. My self-worth is often determined by external circumstances. I get a compliment, I’m not just happy, I’m over the moon. The job rejects me, I’m not only sad; more prominently, I’m a piece of shit. My boyfriend forgot to text, I’m not wondering where he is, I know he’s probably cheating. He won’t stop fawning over me and I’m tired of it, I think I’ve lost my feel for him and we’re going to be over soon. Everything is an emotional trigger, swaying me to view life through lenses that are not only polarized, but also opposed to how I felt just a minute before. 

My triggers: not getting the precise responses from people I regard important to me. Rejection in every form. Not being good enough. Not being perfect...even to people I don’t care much for.

It hurts all the time, and yet I can’t feel the pain because there’s nothing to compare it to. This is all it’s ever been. This is only my experience. Other borderlines may find it relatable and many others may struggle with the illness in a totally different fashion.

On Preventing the Worst

My loved one said she wanted to die because her past is to hurtful and that her present is affected by it. She explain how much she's been and is suffering for 3 hours. The day after she was splitting on me and telling me to leave her alone to go away. It's been 3 months I am worried and cannot get in touch with her without her saying to leave her alone. She's a person with quiet bpd. It's confusing she definitely told me cause she needs help from me. I tried to tell her she's splitting and she told me you're right nothing is good from you. How can I help and prevent the worst?

I hope you understand that this is a very delicate situation and that’s why I’m not jumping to tell you to turn them into a hospital or even convince them to seek therapy because none of that will help them recover unless they want it for themselves. Especially at a time when they are currently pushing you away. The truth is if the person with BPD isn’t willing to let you in, you need to respect their boundaries and give them their distance.

At this point, best bet is to give them one last chance to let you in or not. Be very clear about your intention when you reach out to them this last time. You can do this with the interpersonal effectiveness skill DEAR MAN. 

This skill will help you…

Know what to say:

D - describe the situation. 

E - express your feelings and opinions.

A - assert yourself by clearly asking for what you want and need. 

R - reinforce the positive outcome you envision.

and

How to say it:

M - be mindful of the interaction. The “why” behind it all.

A - appear confident.

N - negotiate. Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for solutions to the problem.

How you might use this in your situation:

Describe - “I notice that you’ve been dealing with some very difficult feelings and distancing yourself from me lately.”

Express - “I care about you a lot and I’m afraid of losing you. I worry about the worst happening and want to do anything I possibly can to make sure you are ok. I know that whatever you decide is totally up to you; I just need you to know how much I care.”

Assert -  “If you would let me be here for you in any way that you’re comfortable, you wouldn’t have to be alone in what you’re going through.” 

Reinforce - “I will be here for you in good times and in bad. I just need stable communication from you.”

Mindful - Don’t lose focus of the objective if the conversation takes an unexpected turn.

Appear confident - Don’t put yourself down, beg, or apologize just for the sake of appeasing them.

Negotiate - A potential negotiation I imagine for your scenario is: your loved one not willing to openly communicate at this time. If this happens, concede and offer that they communicate with you when they feel ready, but ask them to establish whether or not they want you in their life now. 

As a borderline, if a loved one articulated how they felt using these techniques, I might actually believe they care about me despite my disorder telling me otherwise. This caring language paired with assertion and confidence would signal to me that a decision on my part needs to be made. Am I willing to make a change? Go out of my comfort zone by letting this person in? It would ultimately be up to me. 

After all is said and done, the answer may still be “No, I don’t want you in my life”. This is the risk you’ll have to take in letting them know how much you care while still maintaining healthy boundaries. You will never be able to control what they decide to do, but at best you can communicate that you are a safe person should they decide to keep you in their life. 

This is a scary and difficult position to be in. I’m wishing you the best of luck. You can always message me if you want to vent and need a borderline’s perspective.