On Developing a Sense of Self
Follow these goals and practices to garner a strong sense of identity and independence.
Be with yourself:
Our fear of being alone stems from the pervasive emptiness we feel. This can make solitude seem scary so I advise to dip your toe into some alone time rather than deep dive right into solitude. If this is very challenging, try timing it out, like giving yourself 30 minutes to mindfully spend time with yourself doing whatever you feel like doing (given it’s not a harmful activity). Think of it as working out. You’re building a muscle you don’t have yet- independence, a sense of self.
DBT Pros and Cons for decision making:
DBT pros and cons is a practice you could get used to for forming self-reliance when met with dilemmas. Essentially you are exploring the outcome of two decisions, but in a more detailed way. You’re getting down to the pros and cons of doing something vs not doing it.
I used this many times when analyzing whether or not I should leave relationships or jobs. Here’s an example of how to do DBT pros and cons.
Be your number 1 advisor, then ask for reality checks:
While it’s great to have people to depend on, it would be wise to think of yourself as your number one advisor. What feels right to you? Get into the habit of asking yourself this, reflecting on it, and experiencing your own intuition first. Then you can reach out for your closest pals to give you what I call reality checks.
Reality checks are an objective perspective on the issue or trigger at hand. It’s why we go to therapy, so someone can tell us what it looks like from the outside. This is important because as borderlines we are prone to cognitive distortions. Black and white is our default way of thinking most of the time. Think of this process as learning to find your gray.
So it goes in this order:
Reflect on the trigger/issue and expand on what you feel.
Identify if your thoughts are black or white as a result of this emotion.
What does your intuition say?
Ask for a reality check.
Once this starts to feel more natural to you, you’ll realize how much more independent and self-reliant you’ve come to be and will feel more confident handling the bullshit triggers to come in the future.
Thank you for reading and cheers to you and your recovery!
