It’s Not That Weird

Portland pulled me in like some reckless lover I thought would change my life. I was ready for a freak show, but it’s not that weird here—just slightly looser than the rest of Oregon. And Oregon, well, Oregon taught me what it’s like to be the only Filipino woman in a room. The racism’s not loud, just a constant hum in the background, the kind you can’t fully escape. It made me see myself differently—ways I didn’t have to back in San Diego, where Filipinos were visible, real, part of the atmosphere.

People ask why I moved, and I feed them the easy answers: nature, mountains, a slower rhythm. But the truth is I was running. I left San Diego to get away from the versions of myself that couldn’t breathe there. And it worked, kind of. Living in Portland lets me see everything more clearly, even how much I miss my family. The distance makes it cleaner. We talk more now, mostly over text—my preferred medium. Words feel safer than faces. From here, I love them better.

The people here—they’re different. I found friends who talk about the dark stuff, not in that performative way, but the real underbelly. Sometimes it’s trauma dumping, yeah, but mostly it’s tender, like finding people who won’t flinch when you show them your ugliest parts. Throw yourself into the unknown and you start craving connection that doesn’t need to be dressed up.

My therapist didn’t change. Still the same one from California. By some twist of fate, she got licensed in Oregon just when I moved. Like the universe didn’t want me to sever every tie, just the ones that had been suffocating me.

So no, Portland isn’t the chaotic, magical mess I thought it would be. It’s quieter, more layered, full of subtle surprises. And even if I don’t stay here forever, leaving San Diego was right. 

A place can hold you down, heavy as a bad memory. You get quieter, harder, almost without noticing. It’s only when you leave—when the scenery shifts—that you start to recognize yourself again, the version of you that had been waiting under all that weight.

Not a Hobby

An ex once said he wished I didn’t need to write so much, like it was something I’d outgrow. But you don’t outgrow breathing. You don’t outgrow eating. Writing is like rinsing rice, washing away the extra starch until the water runs clear. It’s necessary. Without it, my brain is a bed full of crumbs—sharp, relentless.

I’ve learned to navigate conversations, wear the mask, play the part, but my real thoughts—the messy, feral ones—only come out on paper. That’s where I really live. I’ve seen people flinch from themselves, avoid looking too close, terrified they’ll find something broken that can’t be fixed. Not me. I want to know. I need to know.

For so long, I didn’t even know what I wanted. I was sleepwalking through life, like a marionette, nodding and smiling, doing what I thought was expected. But writing drags me back into my body.

Last night, I dreamt of this girl from high school. I used to hate her. Now, I’m in a café buying gifts for her kid. My boyfriend’s there, like some spiritual sherpa, leading me to a peace I never signed up for. This morning, I sat with it, scribbled it out. No divine message here, just the weird emotional debris of a brain trying to make sense of itself.

As a kid, I’d write down nightmares, hoping to exorcise them, not dump them on my mom. Still doing that. Still sifting through the mess, finding the signal in the static, reminding myself what’s real. The words are there, always, like a net under a tightrope. They catch me. They are me.

Love Letter to an Aquarius

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." – Charlie Brown.

Loving someone who can’t love you back feels like being put on perpetual hold. The rejection isn’t in what’s said but in what’s not. You wait for something—some sign, some sound—that never comes. 

It’s like walking down that hallway from childhood, the one where time moves strangely. The walls papered with this heavy quiet, swallowing the sound of your own footsteps. You’re stuck between moving forward or just standing still. And you wonder: Is this love? Or is it just a way to fill the crater loneliness left behind?

To love you is to pare myself down, like trimming words from this letter. Strip away the sentences that might make you recoil, cut out the parts that speak too loudly. If I could carve myself into something smaller, quieter, maybe I’d fit into the space you’ve left for me.

I watch you. I see the way your past shapes how you touch, the way you speak so carefully, as if every word could break something. You cling to your boundaries like they’re the only thing keeping you steady. I see you brace for impact, like love is this cliff you can’t bring yourself to jump from. And I want to press into that fear, to let it soften between us, like two bodies moving through water—slow, deliberate.

But that’s not me. The love I know is reckless—diving headfirst into dark waters, chasing something wild that could split me open. You hold your breath, always expecting the crash before it even comes.

Loving you is learning not to chase the fall. It’s standing there with you, feeling the weight of what could happen but hasn’t yet. It's realizing that the thrill isn’t always in the confession or the leap. It’s in standing at the edge, side by side, realizing that waiting doesn’t have to be hollow, that it can be rich with anticipation. So when the dive finally happens, it’s not just wild—it’s wild with meaning.

That night at the spa, the air thick with eucalyptus, felt like one of those moments. You turned to me, laughing, and your eyes sparkled like you couldn’t help it. For a second, you were safe. I wanted to bottle that feeling, keep it. Is this love? It felt like it—a flicker in the quiet, a pulse of something real, a reminder that love lives in the space we make for each other, even when we don’t know what to call it.

Doomed and Determined

My ideal day begins with coping ahead, or as I like to call it, preemptive damage control. I’ve turned it into an art form, engineering every minute detail like it’s a bomb that might not detonate if I’m careful enough. If I can pull all the strings just right, maybe everything will hold—maybe I won’t disappoint anyone, least of all myself. 

It’s absurd, really, the way I grip so tightly to control, as if my constant vigilance could prevent the cracks from spreading. But what else is there? How else am I supposed to make sense of being here, in this moment, trying to pull some thread of meaning from the mundane? I’m just another flicker in the endless loop, but if I can make this one small flicker feel like it matters, maybe it will be enough to keep the void at bay. Maybe. 

And then there's mindfulness. Therapy acts like it's the magic pill for everything—just swallow it right, and the storm in your head will finally calm. "Be present," they say, "stay in the moment." , but that never felt natural to me. Being in the moment means being in my body, in my head, and neither of those places are the easiest to occupy. 

Today, I tried. I dusted the room, not because it needed it, but because I wanted to feel like I was clearing the cobwebs out of my head. I scrubbed the toilet like I was scraping some invisible grime off my life, believing for a second that maybe the cleaner my house was, the cleaner I could feel inside.  Each action was deliberate, every mundane task imbued with this quiet desperation to find meaning, to wring something valuable out of the everyday. I fed the cats, focusing on each scoop of food as if the routine could anchor me, and I chose my clothes with care, as if what I wore would dictate the version of myself I carried into the world. 

I think that’s the point—there’s no grand design, no perfect formula to crack. Life is this endless loop of dusting off the same mess, feeding the same cats, picking the same clothes, and somehow, that’s okay. It doesn’t need to mean more than it does. Maybe all the meaning is in the doing—just showing up for the small things, even when they don’t seem to add up to anything big. I’m here, right now, and maybe the beauty is in knowing that none of it really matters, but I get to decide that it does. 

Day 5

Grieving someone who’s right next to you is its own brand of hell. The thought of solitude post-divorce haunts me. Though would it really be worse than the emotional abyss I'm sharing space with right now? 

There’s a chasm between us that I feel would be easier to grasp with actual physical space. As he and his newfound flame frolic in their own little wonderland, I'm here, having myself a thrilling day folding laundry in the living room.

A Polaroid emerges from a pocket – him and her, grinning like the world's their oyster. A year ago today, I was like this overeager kid in a candy store, excitedly asking if we could dance with the flames of polyamory. I had no clue it would torch everything to the ground. The urge to hex their unity flits across my thoughts. So, down the rabbit hole of the deep dark web, I go, stumbling upon spells spiked with vengeance. 

To conjure up a basic breakup spell, no fancy potions or cosmic know-how required.

Tools Needed:

1. a picture of the couple

2. a handful of petals 

3. one black candle

4. a piece of their clothing.

What if it wasn’t polyamory itself that cursed the marriage? Throughout our decade together, I sought refuge in male gazes, in the deceptive comfort of food, the oblivion that drugs brought, the solace in the arms of drink. Anything to reroute my dopamine, to short-circuit this ache that only grew. This trauma, this phantom that followed me-or better yet, my inability to stave off its corrosive touch on my partner, it's what dealt the fatal blow. 

Instructions: 

Cut out a slice from each piece of clothing, plop them on either side of the sizzling black candle.

I bought him a Monstera this year, a silent petitioner for the resurrection of our union. It now bows its head in tandem with my other dying plants like a botanical mirror to our withering bond. 

Pop their picture right in the center.

Light up flower petals and use the ash to smudge the rival’s face.

Our marriage, once a tailored convenience, now lies threadbare, much like the faded sketches on the mugs that portray our days alongside our late fur family. He’s faded too, changed- the claw marks that scar his skin like cryptic hieroglyphs. His hair, now an audacious electric blue, stands as a neon sign shouting, "Take note, I’ve shed my old skin." 

I’ve shed skin as well. But here I am, all exposed and vulnerable, like a nerve laid bare. To tackle the pain, I'm dishing out jokes. There are little morsels of truth in my humor: tattoos as a ticket to post-divorce liberation. The tattoos resemble rebellion and rebirth. Perhaps a shield against the world, perhaps a metamorphosis into my own person.

Let the photo burst into bits. Lay those bits on a plate. Trim some fabric scraps, and add them to the mix.

The cloak of a lover's shadow, once my armor, now feels like a shroud suffocating my growth. Yet, as the debris of my old self settles, I'm faced with the task of reassembly. And so, into his room I step. The crumpled picture was my offering, “Found this in the laundry, don’t lose it.”.

When I said I wanted to feel like the main character, I did not mean Gregor Samsa

Metamorphosis isn’t scary because Gregor turns into a bug. It's terrifying because one morning, the people you’ve spent your whole life loving wake up and no longer recognize you. Maybe they choose not to. Maybe they never really did. 

Relationships fade—not with grand exits, but in the way silences stretch too long or words fizzle mid-air. The kind of loss you don’t notice until it’s too late, like water slipping through your fingers. I used to obsess over that shift, thinking I could catch it, change its course.

I clung to the fantasy that somewhere, someone could perfectly tune into my frequency, truly see me. But what if that’s just another illusion? What if, no matter how close you get, there’s always a layer of glass between you and the people you love?

Weirdly, that thought's not as scary as it used to be. In fact, it's freeing. When you stop expecting the pieces to fit, you stop needing them to. The glass isn’t a wall, it’s a mirror. You think you’re looking at someone else, but really, it’s just pieces of yourself. The freedom is in not minding the cracks.

So even in the distance, I keep trying. I keep offering pieces of myself. The act of listening, the act of being present—flawed, distracted—feels almost like a ritual, one that keeps me anchored in this strange, separate world. It’s not desperation, but more like the way a moth circles a light, drawn to something it can’t quite touch but still finds itself returning to.

The reaching is where it all lives. The reaching is what keeps me from becoming completely lost in myself. And sometimes, just for a blink, someone reaches back. It's not magic, but something close—a flicker of recognition, like catching sunlight underwater. There, then gone.

The Perfect Fit

Oh, Honeylove bras, you glorious things,  

With straps that don’t dig and bands that don’t sting.  

You fit like a dream, not a medieval device,  

Choosing you once, I never thought twice.   

In a world where bras can be a curse,  

You're the one that's lifted my worst.  

You cradle my curves like a gentle embrace,  

While others leave marks that I can't erase.  

You lift me up high, but not like a vise,  

A soft, gentle hug—it's so damn nice.

Can chickens even swim?

I went to the Oregon coast, stared at the waves until they swallowed the sun, and watched elk clop along the beach. I didn't know it at the time, but something was already shifting inside me. It started with little choices—day trips out of the city, loosening my chokehold on being "the girl with the mental illness," letting new faces into my life. Quiet rebellions, each one. And with every rebellion, I was etching out a new self, someone the old me would’ve side-eyed.

Depression was like wading through a swamp, thick with the ghosts of who I used to be. I was aware of the fork in the road—either swim through it or let the muck pull me under. I could’ve retreated into old patterns, let the wreckage of a broken marriage shape me into a cautionary tale, let it amplify every fear of being left behind. Or I could use it as a slingshot, propelling me into an unknown future, one my anxious, codependent brain could barely conceive.

Back then, I felt like a chicken with broken bones—bruised and fragile, trying to cross the road, still figuring out why. This is true btw. When their bones break, they grow back stronger, denser. They don’t just mend; they rebuild. That’s what all of this felt like. A slow, painful rebuild.

Now, there’s a hum in my life, a low-frequency buzz of something alive. I’m with a man who worships the wild, the kind of guy who feels more at home under pine trees than a ceiling. He pulls me out of my well-curated cocoon, drags me into the wilderness like a housecat who's never seen grass. I bitch about the bugs, about the cold, but there's this part of me that knows—I need these moments, these collisions with the world. I even bought a pair of rollerblades, just to see what would happen. I’ve made out with the pavement more times than I care to count, but the weird part is, I’m already planning my next ride. Maybe tomorrow.

My friendships have changed too. I’ve started pruning, cutting back the ones who thrive on my pain, the ones who keep things surface-level. Now, I’m surrounded by those who truly get me, who aren’t afraid to plunge into the deep end of our shared reality. It’s like I’m finally building a life that fits, a life I didn’t know I was allowed to ask for.

My relationship with myself is still a work in progress—delicate, like a plant growing in thin soil. I’m learning to mother myself, to say “It’s okay” and believe it. It might not be some grand, sweeping victory, but it’s mine. And maybe that’s enough. For now, anyway. Healing isn’t just about closing wounds; it’s about becoming something new, something with stronger bones.

Wabi Sabi Papi

There is a certain romance to suffocation.

It starts like the first time you hold your breath underwater—a mix of thrill and trust, daring yourself to stay just a second longer. In the beginning, it feels almost poetic—two people so tightly entwined that they can no longer breathe without the other. 

For years you can't imagine doing anything without him; even leaving the house feels impossible on your own. You tell yourself this is love, that needing him so much means you were meant to be together. But the truth is simpler and a little sadder: you were afraid of the world, and even more afraid of facing it by yourself even if codependency is a beautiful and lethal snare you're too in love to acknowledge.

Slowly, agoraphobia takes hold, not as a sudden shock but as a creeping reality. It’s only after months of couples therapy that you realize you aren't even breathing for yourself anymore, you're suffocating in tandem.

The divorce is a slow, merciless kind of alchemy, forming the parts of you that were scared and dependent into something else entirely. It’s as fun as being shoved off a cliff with no parachute. You hit rock bottom, sure, but then something weird happens: you realize you aren’t dead. 

You're no longer a flat, two-dimensional version of yourself, defined by your role in someone else’s life. You’ve become three-dimensional—complex, layered, alive. Every emotion—joy, pain, fear, love—all of it is more vivid, more real. You’re free to explore, to risk, to find out who you are when you’re not suffocating under the weight of someone else’s expectations.

There is a certain intrigue to dissolution.

When things fall apart, you’re left with the raw material of yourself; all the ugly, imperfect details you ignored are now more pronounced. You don’t try to hide them anymore. Instead, you let the light catch them, watch them shimmer and reflect, until you see that the fractures aren’t flaws. 

You learn to trace the cracks with your fingers, letting them guide you to something new. You start to feel the weight of your own presence, the way the silence holds you. The quiet is no longer a void to be filled but a canvas, where the cracks are not wounds but windows, and the room you're standing in starts to feel like it could be yours.

Identity Disturbance and Love Addiction: Unraveling the Deep Roots

This quote is from Ling Ma’s book, Bliss Montage. Highly recommend.

“It doesn’t take much to come into your own; all it takes is someone’s gaze. It’s not totally accurate to say that I felt seen. It was more that: Beheld by her, I learned how to become myself. Her interest actualized me.” -Ling Ma

This quote speaks to my language of love addiction. It’s not merely the dopamine rush of falling in love; it’s about finally feeling alive and whole when I’m seen through someone else’s eyes.  If I could capture the electric rush of new relationship energy, that divine taste of finally feeling real, I'd hoard vials of it like a sacred potion. Sipping on that sweet elixir, day and night.

Breaking the Illusion: Understanding the Truth Behind Limerence

Love is not an antidote. I mean, logically, I get it. But emotionally, it's a whole different ball game. Beyond the surface allure, I’m still striving to face the truth. In order to break the cycle, I had to school myself on limerence, that fancy word for falling head over heels for an illusion instead of the real deal standing right in front of you. It’s basically getting off to the crush phase in a relationship, except that phase becomes a permanent fixture in your mind well into the deeper stages of the relationship.

It makes sense. Falling for that idealized version of someone can seem like the safe choice. After all, you can tweak and polish their traits in your mind until they fit your perfect fantasy of a relationship. My idyllic fantasy is one where security reigns supreme, wrapped in a cocoon of unwavering adoration and undivided attention. 

I'm ready to strip down those limerent fantasies and see them for what they truly are. Sometimes, it means dissecting the nitty-gritty of my interactions, separating the facts from the whirlwind of emotions they stir within me. I gotta see things straight-up, no personal biases clouding my judgment, no fuel for more limerence.

Sure, this process may feel a bit too robotic, like I'm dimming the rush of falling head over heels, and let me tell you, that's the sweetest high in the world. But you know what's even sweeter? Protecting myself from fixating on delusions and using relationships as mere attention currency. I'm choosing to walk this journey with a crystal-clear perspective, embracing the raw, unfiltered essence of love without getting lost in a haze of false hopes.

How Identity Disturbance Fuels  Love Addiction

When I spill those words, it hits me hard. But that's just the kind of reality check I'm hungry for. On that note,  it’s worth exploring the root of my problem. It's not that I'm addicted to love because I'm terrified of being alone. It runs deeper than that. It's this gnawing void within me, a hunger that can't be satisfied. Call it identity disturbance, call it chronic emptiness, whatever you want, but one thing's for sure: BPD’s tendrils tangle deep. So, it's no wonder that I've compulsively sought solace in limerence since the age of 14, using it as a means to confront and tame the overwhelming symptoms of this all-encompassing condition. It’s like I’ve been using my relationships as my personal coming-of-age journey, desperately hoping to discover my true purpose amidst the turmoil of identity disturbance.

There is no magic potion that'll make love addiction (or my identity disturbance) vanish overnight. I’m healing, and I’ve got a ways to go. But contrary to what I used to believe, the answer isn't to stave off love and hold out until I’m miraculously healed. Instead, it lies in embracing a life where I stand as the sole protagonist, no longer waiting for someone to save me from myself. It’s about nurturing and expanding my sense of self whether or not romance is in the picture. 

Navigating Rejection Sensitivity

As someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD), the realm of relationships is like riding a rickety roller coaster.

Picture this: I'm all about that warm and fuzzy feeling of deep connection, but at the same time, I've got this nagging fear of being rejected lurking in the shadows even when there's no real threat. This push and pull dynamic is a whirlwind. I’m often sending mixed signals on autopilot, leaving loved ones scratching their heads.

BPD and Rejection Sensitivity

A downside to BPD is that we have a tendency to misinterpret even the most neutral interactions. 

Imagine this: You're strolling down the street, and you catch a glimpse of a passerby's face – a face that holds no particular emotion. However, that expression is instantly transformed into a mask of untrustworthiness. Why? Well, we happen to be wired to be more sensitive to the lurking possibility of rejection. Even when all signs point to safety and connection, our mind sounds the alarm bells, anticipating the rejection that may never come. As a consequence, I am quick to distance myself or prematurely end relationships based on false assumptions.

Cognitive Distortions in Borderline Personality Disorder: Spotting Mind Reading and Black-and-White Thinking

The fear of rejection has been a constant companion through the twists and turns of life, but one powerful tool is self-awareness. By familiarizing myself with cognitive distortions, those cunning tricks our minds play on us, I can spot when I'm falling into traps. Mind reading, where I assume I can decipher the thoughts of others, and black-and-white thinking, where I see things as either perfect or catastrophic – these are just a couple of the sneaky distortions I stay vigilant about.

Once I've identified these distortions, I step back and assess the situation. It's like taking a breather during a demanding hike, surveying the landscape and carefully considering my next move. I then gain the ability to choose how I respond, rather than react impulsively and potentially confuse my loved ones.

It's not merely about overcoming fears and challenges. It's about cultivating intentionality in our actions. Instead of being swept away by my knee-jerk reactions, I strive to be the captain of my own ship. With each conscious choice, I aim to bring clarity and understanding to the intricate dance of relationships, sparing my loved ones from unnecessary confusion.

Overcoming Push-Pull Dynamics in BPD

While self-awareness is a powerful tool, overcoming Push-Pull Dynamics in BPD requires a multi-faceted approach that goes beyond just self-awareness. 

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): DBT is a widely recognized therapy approach for individuals with BPD. It provides specific skills and techniques to manage intense emotions, improve interpersonal relationships, and regulate reactions to triggers. Through DBT, individuals can learn to identify and challenge cognitive distortions by replacing them with more balanced and realistic thoughts.

Emotional Regulation: This involves recognizing and understanding one's emotions, identifying triggers, and implementing healthy coping mechanisms. Techniques such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, and mindfulness can be valuable tools in managing intense emotional states and preventing impulsive reactions.

Effective Communication: Clear and open communication is crucial in navigating relationships with BPD. Expressing emotions, needs, and boundaries in a respectful and assertive manner can foster understanding and reduce misunderstandings. Learning effective communication skills, such as active listening and using "I" statements, can enhance relationships and reduce the likelihood of unintentionally pushing others away.

Building a Support Network: Surrounding oneself with understanding and empathetic individuals who can provide support and validation can help counteract the fear of rejection. Support groups, therapy, and trusted friends or family members can offer a safe space to share experiences and learn from others facing similar challenges.

Self-Compassion and Self-Care: Practicing self-compassion and prioritizing self-care can contribute to emotional well-being and stability. Engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation, practicing self-care routines, and acknowledging personal strengths and achievements can help cultivate a sense of self-worth and reduce the need for external validation. In turn, developing a positive and nurturing relationship with oneself can contribute to more balanced and fulfilling relationships with others.

Remember, this journey is not linear; it's a long-haul adventure that demands your unwavering dedication and relentless practice. By integrating these strategies and approaches into your life, you can cultivate healthier and more fulfilling relationships while navigating rejection sensitivity in BPD.

Sources:

Miano, Annemarie, et al. “Rejection Sensitivity Is a Mediator Between Borderline Personality Disorder Features and Facial Trust Appraisal.” Journal of Personality Disorders, vol. 27, no. 4, 2013, pp. 442-456. The Guilford Press, https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/epdf/10.1521/pedi_2013_27_096

Love, Sex, and Exhaustion: My Journey to Overcoming Addiction

I'm officially declaring my exhaustion from love addiction. Lately, I've been questioning my choices and patterns in seeking out romantic partners. It seems that once the initial excitement fades, I quickly lose interest and move on to the next thrill. Maybe it's time to admit that my love and sex addiction has lost its spark and simply isn't worth it anymore. As I listen to "Finding Out True Love is Blind," I can't help but think how the lyrics perfectly describe my pre-sex idealization phase if only the gender roles were reversed.

Addicted to Love? Here are the Telltale Signs and Symptoms:

Constant Contact Becomes Compulsion: You find yourself incessantly contacting your love interest, even if they don't reciprocate the same level of interest. Or, if you prefer multiple partners, you attach yourself to someone new to avoid the pain of rejection.

Hyperfixation: Your thoughts are consumed with your partner and the future of your relationship.

Unhealthy attachment: You feel an intense need to stay connected, even if it's causing problems in other areas of your life.

Romantic Obsession: Your pursuit of romance is getting in the way of your daily life, such as missing work or social events to spend time with your partner or daydreaming about them.

Ignoring Red Flags: You're ignoring toxic traits in your partner and staying in the relationship despite the harm it may be causing you.

Love on repeat: You're constantly trying to recapture the early feelings of love by breaking up and getting back together or making big commitments to save the relationship.

Love as a crutch: You seek out your partner or crush as a "fix" when you're feeling low, anxious, or need reassurance, even if it's not healthy for you.

Escaping the vicious cycle of love addiction:

Are you tired of feeling trapped in the cycle of love addiction and ready to break free? Let's take a look at some actionable steps to help you escape the chains and find a healthy, fulfilling relationship .

Admit the Addiction: Stop living in denial, and take the first step in recognizing and accepting the problem.  It takes strength and courage to acknowledge our vulnerabilities and work towards healing. With time and commitment, you'll experience a transformation that will enrich your life in ways you never thought possible. 

Prioritize Self-Love: Invest in yourself by doing things that bring you joy, such as eating well, exercising, and surrounding yourself with positivity to enhance the healing process. Recognize that recovery is a journey and that setbacks and challenges are a natural part of the process. Be gentle with yourself and focus on progress, not perfection. 

Love Addiction 101: Expand your knowledge about love addiction and understand why your idea of love became an obsession. By expanding your knowledge about love addiction, you can develop a more nuanced understanding of your own experiences. You'll also be better equipped to recognize the signs of love addiction in others and provide support and understanding to those who may be struggling with similar issues.

Pause Before You Love: Give yourself the time to heal before jumping into a new relationship. By prioritizing your own healing and growth, you can enter into new relationships from a place of self-love and confidence. You'll be better equipped to communicate your needs and establish boundaries, and you'll have a greater sense of self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

Achieve Equilibrium: Co-occurring disorders can significantly aggravate addiction, making the recovery process even more challenging. Seeking treatment for both the addiction and any underlying mental health conditions is crucial to achieve a healthy and balanced life. By addressing both issues simultaneously, individuals can overcome their addiction and achieve greater mental and emotional stability, leading to a more fulfilling and satisfying life. 

Don't Go it Alone: A therapist can assist in understanding underlying factors such as past experiences and trauma, while providing tools for mindfulness, boundary-setting, and communication. You can then learn to navigate the challenging recovery process with greater ease and emerge from the experience stronger than ever before.

Wrap-Up:

Love and sex addiction can be a tempting solution to the loneliness we all feel at times. But after digging deeper, I realized that my fear of being alone was the real culprit behind my addiction. So, I'm waving goodbye to the chains that have held me down and saying hello to the exciting and terrifying journey of self-discovery. Sure, it's scary to face the void, but it's time to embrace the uncertainty and invest in myself. Why settle for dead-end love affairs when you can revel in the mere fact that you exist? So, let's raise a glass to our liberation from love addiction and cheers to the ultimate love affair with ourselves.

Identity Disturbance and BPD

Identity Disturbance and BPD

Identity disturbance refers to the instability in a person's sense of self, and it is a prominent symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. This symptom can lead to erratic and unpredictable behavior. Individuals with BPD can experience four different aspects of identity disturbance: role absorption, painful incoherence, inconsistency, and lack of commitment.

As someone living with BPD, I have struggled with over-identifying with groups, roles, and partners, allowing them to define my identity. This symptom was exacerbated by my inability to form a foundational sense of self. I hardly knew who I was without the context of another person to define me. 

Fortunately, it is possible to rediscover your sense of self. Here are some steps to get you started:

Identify Five Personal Values

Values are about how you choose to behave on an ongoing basis. Identifying a core set of values helped me determine aspects of my identity, such as aspirations and beliefs that actually stuck. From the list of values below, I picked five to act as my "north star":

Values List

Delve into Self-exploration

Time Spent Alone

Spend time alone and use this time to get to know yourself better. Try new hobbies, write in a journal, or record your thoughts with an audio app. A few journaling methods to start are stream of consciousness, gratitude journaling, art journaling, and video journaling.

Start Therapy 

Therapy was a great option for me to build self-awareness. Some self-exploratory modes of therapy include:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) - focuses on the cycle of thoughts and behavior. Here, your therapist will challenge your presumptions about yourself and your current circumstances in order to help you change unwanted behavior patterns.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) - is geared toward individuals who experience emotions intensely. Here, your therapist will focus on tools to develop self-acceptance and regulate emotional intensity in order to redirect your behavioral patterns. 

Somatic Therapy - includes both talk therapy and a body-centric approach. Techniques used in somatic therapy are visualization, meditation, breath work, grounding, and sensation awareness exercises. This method is used to treat PTSD, anxiety, addiction, and depression.

Getting in tune with the fundamental aspects of my personality helped me rediscover myself, which made all the difference on my healing journey. Despite living with BPD, I’m able to promote a positive self-image that feels genuine and true to this day.

Resources:

Gad, Mohammad A., et al. “Facets of identity disturbance reported by patients with borderline personality disorder and personality-disordered comparison subjects over 20 years of prospective follow-up.” Psychiatry Research, vol. 271, latest issue, pp. 76-82. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S016517811831878X?via%3Dihub#preview-section-abstract. (Gad et al., n.d., #)

Black and White Thinking: Reframe Your Thoughts

Black and white thinking, sometimes referred to as splitting, occurs when  you cast judgment in a narrow-minded way. It can make you more susceptible to discard or accept relationships and opportunities on a whim. For instance, you may see people or situations as “perfect” or “terrible” rather than somewhere in between.

key takeaways

The Dangers of  Black and White Thinking 

1. Ignites Emotional Reactivity

Wild lows and wild highs as a result of black and white thinking often lead to behavior patterns incongruent with the situation at hand. For instance, if your partner is at first seen as the most wonderful person in the world, and yet one disappointment -such as forgetting to do the dishes- immediately triggers you into believing they are the worst, you may be tempted to react as if the latter has always been true. 

Splitting may even cause you to lose respect for your loved one and in turn lash out or behave in a passive aggressive manner, thinking your actions are justified. As you can imagine, your reactions overtime can wear down intimacy and trust, confusing and ultimately hurting your loved one.

In this way,  splitting might even dehumanize people in our eyes. By seeing your loved ones as either all good or all bad, you’re not letting yourself see them for who they are. You may forget that they are human, just like you, and capable of making mistakes. 

2. Establishes a skewed self-image

Thinking in black and white terms can make you overly self-critical and hypersensitive to others’ opinions. While criticism is a healthy and inevitable thing, you may find it difficult to accept without experiencing layered insecurity.  This fear of criticism and rejection can  block you from self-compassion and personal growth in the long run.

On the flip side,  believing you are all “good” and can do no wrong may prevent you from thinking critically about yourself at all. A balanced and more realistic perception includes shades of gray, highlighting both positive and negative components of your self-image. 

Why Do We Do It?

Overall black and white thinking is a defense mechanism that allows us to subconsciously excuse ourselves from action.  If you think about it, when we exaggerate how bad or good something is, it excuses us from taking accountability in that moment. A polarizing and fixed opinion can feel like the decision has already been made for us, allowing us to quickly announce whether we are “all in” or “all out”. 

While justifying your thoughts and feelings through splitting may give you confidence in the moment, this cognitive distortion actually prevents you from acting with intention. If you are only looking through the lenses of black and white, you are more prone to problem solving impulsively and making decisions based on an extremely limited viewpoint.

Identifying Black and White Thinking

Be mindful of using words like “never”, “perfect”, “always”, “worst”, “best”, “nobody”, or “everyone” when describing situations. Think of these as splitting trigger words that exaggerate your perceptions.

See if you can detect how these splitting words intensify the following scenarios:

When in a depressive slump: “Nobody cares about me.”

When in a shame spiral: “I always mess everything up. I’ll never change.”

When experiencing rejection: “He never remembers to call. I guess we were always doomed from the start.”

How to Stop Splitting?

It’s important to acknowledge splitting for what it is -a primitive way of defending ourselves against the complexity of life.  When you use black and white thinking, you are usually distorting nuanced reality by ignoring the good and exaggerating the bad, or vice versa. You’re not looking at the shades of gray that can provide a fuller range of context. The good news is, with enough practice, we can train our brains to catch splitting thoughts and in turn adjust our lenses to pick up on life's many shades of gray.

1. Identify When It’s Happening

Remember words like “always” or “never” are rarely accurate. When you find yourself using them, it’s time to pause and reflect on your emotions. When justifying your version of truth, did you notice slipping back into black and white thinking? What trigger words are you tempted to use?  Observe what kind of impulses flare up. Are they extreme? Do they match the current situation? 

Bonus points if you create a list of the trigger words to become more vigilant of splitting. Simply labeling splitting as a cognitive distortion when it occurs is an improvement in itself.

Reframe the situation. 

Once you’ve detected black and white thinking, train yourself to find the gray. One way to reframe in gray is to use “both, and” instead of splitting trigger words. This encourages dialectical thinking, reminding you that you can have two nuanced perceptions that seem contradictory and true at the same time. 

Examples:

“I always screw up. I never get things right” →  “I am both smart AND I make mistakes at times.”

I feel so sad about getting laid off AND I feel relieved that I don’t have to be stuck in an office anymore.

I was anxious on that date AND I had a good time being out of my comfort zone.

Check the Facts

When you find that your black-and-white thinking causes you to ruminate on a negative or overly positive thought, challenge that thought and look for proof.

If your splitting thought is  “I completely messed up on my presentation. I am the worst. I can never do anything right.", you can make a quick list of things that disprove that thought. 

Feel free to start small and highlight what comes to mind first, such as “I’m a great communicator and know how to lead meetings.” 

Bonus points if you can provide concrete examples for your point of proof:

“I’m a great communicator because I’m thoughtful and provide everyone with synthesized notes each morning.”

When idealizing someone, you might find yourself ruminating on how “perfect” they are. While you aren’t ruminating on the negative, here you are ruminating on an overly positive thought, which is still not a balanced viewpoint. 

Your thought may be, “She is so smart and perfect. I don’t know what she’s doing talking to me! Anyone would be lucky to have her as a friend.”.

To counteract the idealization, list a few unfavorable traits. For instance, “She is so smart AND she isn’t very good at sharing her emotions. Still, I’m lucky to have her as a friend!”. 

Whether you are being negative or overly positive, the idea is to invalidate the splitting thought and encourage a more balanced perspective with a point of proof.

Bottom Line

If you are used to thinking in extremes, it can be difficult to catch yourself, but black and white thinking doesn’t have to define you or your relationships. You can begin to notice and replace this cognitive distortion with thinking that is more emotionally stable by using the skills listed above. When you are able to view the world through different shades of gray, you learn to adopt flexible thinking patterns that allow for nuance rather than a polarizing and exaggerated version of the truth.

c-PTSD and Relationships

PTSD vs c-PTSD: what’s the difference?

Both Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and Complex PTSD (c-PTSD) occur in response to trauma. 

 PTSD and c-PTSD share the following symptoms:

• Intrusive memories, flashbacks and/or nightmares related to the trauma.

• Frequent changes in mood and thinking, including feeling distant from other people and having overwhelming negative emotions . Distorted thoughts and beliefs.

• Avoidance of people, places, situations, or thoughts related to the trauma.

• Hyperarousal -this can look like  sleeplessness, hypervigilance, angry outbursts, and difficulty concentrating.

While the two have various overlapping symptoms, the main difference between the disorders is that PTSD is caused by a single traumatic event, whereas c-PTSD is caused by long-lasting trauma that  continues repeatedly.

Events causing PTSD include: isolated acts of violence, near death experience, sudden death of a loved one, a natural disaster, and war.

Events causing c-PTSD include: ongoing childhood abuse or neglect, domestic violence, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse.

Symptoms of c-PTSD include:

Cognitive distortions - inaccurate and irrational perception of situations that manifest in intense and distorted thoughts. Examples include emotional reasoning, magical thinking, black and white thinking, catastrophizing, etc.

Frequent emotional dysregulation - difficulty controlling emotions. This looks like explosive anger, persistent sadness, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

Negative self-view - increased feelings of shame and guilt, which can lead to feeling alien from others.

Interpersonal difficulties- a tendency to distrust others and/or gravitate toward unhealthy relationships.

Detachment from the trauma - disconnecting from oneself (depersonalization) and the world around them (derealization), or suppressing and forgetting the trauma entirely.

Identity disturbance -losing one's core beliefs, values, and experiencing a shaky foundational sense of self.

c-PTSD and Intimacy

If you live with c-PTSD symptoms, you likely find it challenging to experience intimacy within your relationships. The psychological distress caused by c-PTSD can be a tough barrier to overcome. It can feel like the closer you are to someone, the greater the perceived threat. Your symptoms may manifest as emotional or relational avoidance, lack of trust, and/or a cycle of toxic relationships that resemble the past trauma at its roots.

One way to heal from your trauma and build trust in your relationships is to establish healthier coping mechanisms. The following is a chain link analysis exercise that will help you become more cognizant of not only your triggers and trauma responses, but also how they impact your relationship.

Identifying Triggers

Trigger Chain Link Analysis 

Follow each step to map out your specific triggers, emotional states, behaviors, symptoms, and new behavior patterns. Let this exercise serve as a launching pad for new and improved habits that can eventually replace your trauma responses.

Step 1: Write down at least one trigger you experience in your relationship. Here are a few examples to get you going.

Examples: 

→Not receiving a text within two hours of sending a text

→Receiving negative feedback

→Going on a first date

Step 2: Connect the trigger to an emotional state + behavior pattern. Think back to previous conflicts regarding this trigger. What thoughts did you have? How did you feel? How did you react?

Examples:

When not receiving a text within 2 hours of sending a text → you felt abandoned and rejected (emotional state), which led to avoiding and giving the silent treatment (behavior).

When receiving negative feedback → you  dissociated from your body (emotional state), which led to suppressing your feelings and lashing out (behavior).

When going on a first date → you felt anxious and paranoid (emotional state), which led to  performing and mirroring the other person’s beliefs, interests, and lifestyle in order to avoid rejection (behavior).

Step 3: Connect the emotional state + behavior pattern → to the c-PTSD symptom(s) that fits.

Examples: 

You felt abandoned and rejected (emotional state), which led to avoidance/silent treatment (behavior) → You experienced cognitive distortion + interpersonal difficulty (symptoms).

You felt  dissociated from your body (emotional state), which led to suppressing your emotions and lashing out (behavior). → You experienced  detachment from the trauma + emotional dysregulation (symptoms).

You felt anxious and paranoid (emotional state), which led to  performing/mirroring  (behavior). → You experienced identity disturbance (symptom).

Step 4: Write out new behavioral patterns in place of your usual trauma response. Don’t pressure yourself to implement the new behavior right away. Remember this exercise is a launching pad meant to map out alternative and healthy habits to practice in the future.

Example:

You used to avoid and give the silent treatment (behavior) → because you experienced cognitive distortion + interpersonal difficulty  (symptoms). →Now you will choose to  cool off before reaching out again -listen to a podcast, exercise, play video games, text a friend, etc. (new behavior pattern).

You used to suppress your emotions and lash out (behavior) →because you experienced  detachment from the trauma and emotional dysregulation  (symptoms). → Now you will choose to step away and return to the conversation when grounded (new behavior pattern).

You used to perform and mirror in order to avoid rejection (behavior) → because you experienced identity disturbance (symptom). →Now you will choose to determine 5 core values and journal about it before meeting someone in person (new behavior pattern).

View the full chain link analysis below for an example of how to map out triggers, unwanted behavior patterns, and the new habits you’ll form in the future.

By labeling your trauma responses and linking them to past unwanted behavior, you increase your ability to catch yourself before behaving in a rash (and potentially regretful) way when these triggers inevitably pop up again.

While the trigger chain link analysis is not a replacement for sessions with a licensed professional, the exercise can heighten your awareness so that you have a shot at changing the course of events and in turn mend your relationship in spite of your c-PTSD.

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c-PTSD resource list:

Articles/sites:
Relational Healing and Complex PTSD
Emotional Flashbacks

Books:
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
The Body Keeps the Score

My Type

art created by Artificial Intelligence

I had a dream my boyfriend called and said he missed his ex. I asked if we should just break up. He swiftly complied; no hesitation or remorse about how our relationship would end. I went on a drug binge to quell the sting of rejection and trusted any guy who said he could get me Ecstasy. A married man with two kids offered me drugs in a form of cum inside a condom. He said if tied to my wrist, I’d feel euphoric. It did not feel like MDMA, but the placebo was enough to distract me from the grief.

I’m somewhat of a junkie in waking life. My behavioral patterns as of late have made me feel incorrigible. Parasitic and always in need of a host. Male attention/affection in the form of texts may as well be the figurative cum filled condom tied to my wrist. My default setting is empty/flat and when a lovey text is received I’m energized “me” again, wide open -the sky pouring itself down my throat. 

I need cocaine running around in my brain because I hate who I am when it's just me and the void. 

I told myself that polyamory was about opening myself to multiple channels of love, learning through lived experiences in the most intimate way possible. I mean it definitely still is, but the junkie in me wants a harem of men who can provide an endless supply of dopamine hits. I know this means the men in my life will always be objectified to some degree. It makes me wonder if anyone’s objectifying me. And if they aren’t, why not?  A part of me wants to be someone’s MDMA. I’m almost offended to learn that I’m not.

This could be because of one of three reasons:

1. because I’d rather be perceived than known.

2. because I don’t understand who I am enough to be loved as a whole person.

3. both.

Practical approaches to being with myself (and the void) again:

1. install an app blocker

2. actually use app blocker 

3. keep writing, edit later

4. discern between impulsivity and intention

5. identify compulsive behavior and cut that shit out (see: using app blocker)

6. mindfulness when interacting 

7. mindfulness when alone

8. follow my 5 personal values as my north star

   • Creativity

   • Compassion

   • Justice

   • Assertiveness

   • Self-care

Turning the Mind: Bulldogs and FPs

The emotional injury this morning was a wakeup call to my self-negligence. A false alarm. I’m here now. I am not swept away by negative “what ifs”. I feel them there -beneath the surface, and I let them be there, just as I let my openness for joy/positivity sit beside.

I feel excited to work, but not burn out. I feel delighted to reach out to loved ones -friends, penpals, lovers, but not engulf myself in attention and validation. I’m drawn to self-care by applying makeup today, but I don’t feel the need to wear a mask - it’s not a necessity so much as it is a hobby. I practice self-compassion. I check my phone less often. I read my new comic book, Chew, when I need to feel inspired (approx. 3 hrs).

An old friend, former coworker, texts me. Says he misses me, our hangs. I looked up to him, his creativity. I cried once remembering his favorite dog was the bulldog. It reminded me I was capable of platonic love, that I didn’t need to be so closed, confined to obsessing over romance. I wrote a poem about this and shared it with him. As much as I wish I could write all day instead of working my corporate job, I am grateful for work exposing me to the remarkable people in my life. I think of this as I clock in.

I feel like in spite of using the label of BPD to connect to others, I’ve given up pathologizing my every move and I am somehow free (or closer to freedom). I’m at least free to express myself and touch people in a way others have touched me. I’m not here to teach anyone what the disorder is; it’s been done. I’m here to create, to convey my lived experience in a way that isn’t boring (I hope). Oversharing is my brand and I’ve accepted that. 

There is a content creator I adore, but am too chickenshit to follow because I feel beneath her in every way. Is this what you’d call a favorite person (FP)? From a distance, the FP dynamic feels somewhat safer than idealizing anyone in my “real” life (boyfriends and coworkers, for instance). Safety in my new compulsion is what I want to feel, even if it’s just a mirage. I reach out to her when I am manic. Too manic to sound eloquent, but I want her to know she changed me. She writes back. The exchange leaves me high for weeks. I catch myself pathologizing, give myself grace; I keep writing.

The worry that my art is trash is very human (see: this morning’s emotional injury). It hurts; I’m frantic over it. I don’t deny that, but it’s also an indication that I care. I have a purpose that isn’t tied to male attention, my looks, or my ability to work in spite of my mental illness (over achieving = worthiness). I cherish this worry, too. Something new to fear. Something new to care about. Something that is mine.

Exploring Positive Outcomes

Try this exercise for when you’re caught up in a negative mindset. I personally tend to catastrophize over situations and people I care a lot about. By training myself to explore neutral, as well as positive outcomes -I give light to realistic outcomes and can contour my expectations.

Daily Mood Charts

diary cards to build self-awareness and prevent negative moods from snowballing.

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example

Nip Splitting in the Bud (version 2)

but make it pink!

Anti-splitting exercise (blank) - Download me :)

Examples of potential triggers to do this exercise on

Example of filling this exercise out