On the Borderline Lens

Hey, I talked to you about a month ago about my friend with BPD who I broke up with. I know this is vague, but I was just wondering if there was anything you could tell me about BPD. I know about it in general, but I was also wondering... How much does it hurt? What kinds of things trigger the most pain for you? I'm so sorry of this is intrusive or rude, I am just so curious about it. You don't have to get back to me by any means, and again I'm sorry if I've offended

For me, BPD is a terminal ambivalence towards life. My self-worth is often determined by external circumstances. I get a compliment, I’m not just happy, I’m over the moon. The job rejects me, I’m not only sad; more prominently, I’m a piece of shit. My boyfriend forgot to text, I’m not wondering where he is, I know he’s probably cheating. He won’t stop fawning over me and I’m tired of it, I think I’ve lost my feel for him and we’re going to be over soon. Everything is an emotional trigger, swaying me to view life through lenses that are not only polarized, but also opposed to how I felt just a minute before. 

My triggers: not getting the precise responses from people I regard important to me. Rejection in every form. Not being good enough. Not being perfect...even to people I don’t care much for.

It hurts all the time, and yet I can’t feel the pain because there’s nothing to compare it to. This is all it’s ever been. This is only my experience. Other borderlines may find it relatable and many others may struggle with the illness in a totally different fashion.

On Preventing the Worst

My loved one said she wanted to die because her past is to hurtful and that her present is affected by it. She explain how much she's been and is suffering for 3 hours. The day after she was splitting on me and telling me to leave her alone to go away. It's been 3 months I am worried and cannot get in touch with her without her saying to leave her alone. She's a person with quiet bpd. It's confusing she definitely told me cause she needs help from me. I tried to tell her she's splitting and she told me you're right nothing is good from you. How can I help and prevent the worst?

I hope you understand that this is a very delicate situation and that’s why I’m not jumping to tell you to turn them into a hospital or even convince them to seek therapy because none of that will help them recover unless they want it for themselves. Especially at a time when they are currently pushing you away. The truth is if the person with BPD isn’t willing to let you in, you need to respect their boundaries and give them their distance.

At this point, best bet is to give them one last chance to let you in or not. Be very clear about your intention when you reach out to them this last time. You can do this with the interpersonal effectiveness skill DEAR MAN. 

This skill will help you…

Know what to say:

D - describe the situation. 

E - express your feelings and opinions.

A - assert yourself by clearly asking for what you want and need. 

R - reinforce the positive outcome you envision.

and

How to say it:

M - be mindful of the interaction. The “why” behind it all.

A - appear confident.

N - negotiate. Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for solutions to the problem.

How you might use this in your situation:

Describe - “I notice that you’ve been dealing with some very difficult feelings and distancing yourself from me lately.”

Express - “I care about you a lot and I’m afraid of losing you. I worry about the worst happening and want to do anything I possibly can to make sure you are ok. I know that whatever you decide is totally up to you; I just need you to know how much I care.”

Assert -  “If you would let me be here for you in any way that you’re comfortable, you wouldn’t have to be alone in what you’re going through.” 

Reinforce - “I will be here for you in good times and in bad. I just need stable communication from you.”

Mindful - Don’t lose focus of the objective if the conversation takes an unexpected turn.

Appear confident - Don’t put yourself down, beg, or apologize just for the sake of appeasing them.

Negotiate - A potential negotiation I imagine for your scenario is: your loved one not willing to openly communicate at this time. If this happens, concede and offer that they communicate with you when they feel ready, but ask them to establish whether or not they want you in their life now. 

As a borderline, if a loved one articulated how they felt using these techniques, I might actually believe they care about me despite my disorder telling me otherwise. This caring language paired with assertion and confidence would signal to me that a decision on my part needs to be made. Am I willing to make a change? Go out of my comfort zone by letting this person in? It would ultimately be up to me. 

After all is said and done, the answer may still be “No, I don’t want you in my life”. This is the risk you’ll have to take in letting them know how much you care while still maintaining healthy boundaries. You will never be able to control what they decide to do, but at best you can communicate that you are a safe person should they decide to keep you in their life. 

This is a scary and difficult position to be in. I’m wishing you the best of luck. You can always message me if you want to vent and need a borderline’s perspective.

BPD & Relationship Maintenance Skill

GIVE (for the relationships you want to keep)

G- gentle. Be mindful of your facial expressions/harshness in your voice. Inflections. Tone. Even in disagreement, state your claim respectfully and learn to tolerate a “no”. 

I-[act] interested. be mindful of your body language. Are you looking away or at your phone? Are you furiously tapping  your shoe, waiting to counter their argument? Even if you want to do all these things, give them your undivided attention. Act as you’d want them to act if you were expressing yourself.

V-validate. As much as you crave validation right now, you need to give it to get it. Avoid words such as “but” as it will negate the validation.

For instance, “I know that I messed up, but I had a bad day and you had no right to point that out to me”. 

Try “I know that I messed up and it upsets you because ______. I want you to know I had a bad day and wasn’t thinking clearly.” Big difference, right.

E-easy manner. Soften your approach. You’re angry enough to clench your teeth and scream or sad enough to close down and relapse. Ok, that’s valid. Now be objective. You feel that way, but it isn’t necessarily the reality of the situation. Save face a little bit. This isn’t about wearing a facade, it’s about not allowing the intensity of your emotions control the nature of the conversation.