BPD & Relationship Maintenance Skill

GIVE (for the relationships you want to keep)

G- gentle. Be mindful of your facial expressions/harshness in your voice. Inflections. Tone. Even in disagreement, state your claim respectfully and learn to tolerate a “no”. 

I-[act] interested. be mindful of your body language. Are you looking away or at your phone? Are you furiously tapping  your shoe, waiting to counter their argument? Even if you want to do all these things, give them your undivided attention. Act as you’d want them to act if you were expressing yourself.

V-validate. As much as you crave validation right now, you need to give it to get it. Avoid words such as “but” as it will negate the validation.

For instance, “I know that I messed up, but I had a bad day and you had no right to point that out to me”. 

Try “I know that I messed up and it upsets you because ______. I want you to know I had a bad day and wasn’t thinking clearly.” Big difference, right.

E-easy manner. Soften your approach. You’re angry enough to clench your teeth and scream or sad enough to close down and relapse. Ok, that’s valid. Now be objective. You feel that way, but it isn’t necessarily the reality of the situation. Save face a little bit. This isn’t about wearing a facade, it’s about not allowing the intensity of your emotions control the nature of the conversation.