On the Best Drug in the World

I think my BPD is making me fall for people really fast. It's kind of awkward I get really intense crushes really quick. Does anyone else get that?

Sure do. My version of lust is more of a crush/puppy-love high through the perception that I’m being desired. It doesn’t matter whether I’m into the other person or not.

What it feels like: When you think someone has a crush on you who you don’t even like, but feel so intoxicated by the validation and ego boost because it distracts you from feeling like a worthless nobody so you start to care what they think and that tricks you into thinking you actually like them and you pay extra close attention to signs they may like you and when they do something that you perceive as rejection you start to split and hate them and wonder why you cared that much in the first place when there was no initial attraction there :). 

I think I’m too afraid of rejection to want someone who may not want me.

On the Borderline Lens

Hey, I talked to you about a month ago about my friend with BPD who I broke up with. I know this is vague, but I was just wondering if there was anything you could tell me about BPD. I know about it in general, but I was also wondering... How much does it hurt? What kinds of things trigger the most pain for you? I'm so sorry of this is intrusive or rude, I am just so curious about it. You don't have to get back to me by any means, and again I'm sorry if I've offended

For me, BPD is a terminal ambivalence towards life. My self-worth is often determined by external circumstances. I get a compliment, I’m not just happy, I’m over the moon. The job rejects me, I’m not only sad; more prominently, I’m a piece of shit. My boyfriend forgot to text, I’m not wondering where he is, I know he’s probably cheating. He won’t stop fawning over me and I’m tired of it, I think I’ve lost my feel for him and we’re going to be over soon. Everything is an emotional trigger, swaying me to view life through lenses that are not only polarized, but also opposed to how I felt just a minute before. 

My triggers: not getting the precise responses from people I regard important to me. Rejection in every form. Not being good enough. Not being perfect...even to people I don’t care much for.

It hurts all the time, and yet I can’t feel the pain because there’s nothing to compare it to. This is all it’s ever been. This is only my experience. Other borderlines may find it relatable and many others may struggle with the illness in a totally different fashion.