Hi. Advice pls. My wife has bpd & has a male friend who texts her all the time. I know he has strong feelings for her. She lies to me about contact with him. If i mention it she gets angry and shuts me down. How do i talk & set boundaries with this?

Whether or not she is cheating, she’s being emotionally dishonest and you should say something using the DEAR MAN technique (taught in DBT).

D - describe factual things about the scenario. Your opinion is not allowed: 

“I notice this male friend is texting you more than a couple times a day” (rather than saying ‘I found out you’ve been sneaking texts all day.’)

E- express. Express the emotion you feel about the scenario.

“When i can see that you hide things from me, I get scared”

A - assert what you want/need. 

“I hate to trigger you and make you angry. I just need to tell you that I’m afraid of losing you and would like us to be honest about what we do, especially if it involves someone who is not in our relationship.”

R - reinforce how you feel, your take on the situation, and how a change can improve your relationship.

“I get upset and scared whenever i think about us not being honest with each other. I think if we can agree to be honest about who we contact then we could have better conversations that don’t have to escalate into fights.”

M - mindful. Stay mindful while you’re talking (or writing). Stay focused on the topic and don’t let it stray from this situation to another one. Keep a mellow tone so as not to turn the confrontation into an argument. If she attacks you verbally, bring the topic back to the issue at hand. You can deal with the attack in another conversation, don’t let her divert your focus.

A - appear confident. Have appropriate eye contact. Have a confident tone as you deliver your message.

N-negotiate. Be willing to give to get. Come to a compromise or acknowledge that she may disagree with you, but that you will not be disrespected and lied to.

“I am not able to allow you to text this person behind my back, but you really seem to want me to. What can we do here?”

-the “What can we do here?” Shows her you aren’t trying to discipline or tell her what to do, but that you really just want to be able to trust her.

Excuse the formal language. These are just examples to help you get an idea of what your tone and angle should be. When you confront her, I’m sure it’ll sound natural.