I had a dream my boyfriend called and said he missed his ex. I asked if we should just break up. He swiftly complied; no hesitation or remorse about how our relationship would end. I went on a drug binge to quell the sting of rejection and trusted any guy who said he could get me Ecstasy. A married man with two kids offered me drugs in a form of cum inside a condom. He said if tied to my wrist, I’d feel euphoric. It did not feel like MDMA, but the placebo was enough to distract me from the grief.

I’m somewhat of a junkie in waking life. My behavioral patterns as of late have made me feel incorrigible. Parasitic and always in need of a host. Male attention/affection in the form of texts may as well be the figurative cum filled condom tied to my wrist. My default setting is empty/flat and when a lovey text is received I’m energized “me” again, wide open -the sky pouring itself down my throat. 

I need cocaine running around in my brain because I hate who I am when it's just me and the void. 

I told myself that polyamory was about opening myself to multiple channels of love, learning through lived experiences in the most intimate way possible. I mean it definitely still is, but the junkie in me wants a harem of men who can provide an endless supply of dopamine hits. I know this means the men in my life will always be objectified to some degree. It makes me wonder if anyone’s objectifying me. And if they aren’t, why not?  A part of me wants to be someone’s MDMA. I’m almost offended to learn that I’m not.

This could be because of one of three reasons:

1. because I’d rather be perceived than known.

2. because I don’t understand who I am enough to be loved as a whole person.

3. both.

Practical approaches to being with myself (and the void) again:

1. install an app blocker

2. actually use app blocker 

3. keep writing, edit later

4. discern between impulsivity and intention

5. identify compulsive behavior and cut that shit out (see: using app blocker)

6. mindfulness when interacting 

7. mindfulness when alone

8. follow my 5 personal values as my north star

   • Creativity

   • Compassion

   • Justice

   • Assertiveness

   • Self-care