“It doesn’t take much to come into your own; all it takes is someone’s gaze. It’s not totally accurate to say that I felt seen. It was more that: Beheld by her, I learned how to become myself. Her interest actualized me.” -Ling Ma

This quote speaks to my language of love addiction. It’s not merely the dopamine rush of falling in love; it’s about finally feeling alive and whole when I’m seen through someone else’s eyes.  If I could capture the electric rush of new relationship energy, that divine taste of finally feeling real, I'd hoard vials of it like a sacred potion. Sipping on that sweet elixir, day and night.

Breaking the Illusion: Understanding the Truth Behind Limerence

Love is not an antidote. I mean, logically, I get it. But emotionally, it's a whole different ball game. Beyond the surface allure, I’m still striving to face the truth. In order to break the cycle, I had to school myself on limerence, that fancy word for falling head over heels for an illusion instead of the real deal standing right in front of you. It’s basically getting off to the crush phase in a relationship, except that phase becomes a permanent fixture in your mind well into the deeper stages of the relationship.

It makes sense. Falling for that idealized version of someone can seem like the safe choice. After all, you can tweak and polish their traits in your mind until they fit your perfect fantasy of a relationship. My idyllic fantasy is one where security reigns supreme, wrapped in a cocoon of unwavering adoration and undivided attention. 

I'm ready to strip down those limerent fantasies and see them for what they truly are. Sometimes, it means dissecting the nitty-gritty of my interactions, separating the facts from the whirlwind of emotions they stir within me. I gotta see things straight-up, no personal biases clouding my judgment, no fuel for more limerence.

Sure, this process may feel a bit too robotic, like I'm dimming the rush of falling head over heels, and let me tell you, that's the sweetest high in the world. But you know what's even sweeter? Protecting myself from fixating on delusions and using relationships as mere attention currency. I'm choosing to walk this journey with a crystal-clear perspective, embracing the raw, unfiltered essence of love without getting lost in a haze of false hopes.

How Identity Disturbance Fuels  Love Addiction

When I spill those words, it hits me hard. But that's just the kind of reality check I'm hungry for. On that note,  it’s worth exploring the root of my problem. It's not that I'm addicted to love because I'm terrified of being alone. It runs deeper than that. It's this gnawing void within me, a hunger that can't be satisfied. Call it identity disturbance, call it chronic emptiness, whatever you want, but one thing's for sure: BPD’s tendrils tangle deep. So, it's no wonder that I've compulsively sought solace in limerence since the age of 14, using it as a means to confront and tame the overwhelming symptoms of this all-encompassing condition. It’s like I’ve been using my relationships as my personal coming-of-age journey, desperately hoping to discover my true purpose amidst the turmoil of identity disturbance.

There is no magic potion that'll make love addiction (or my identity disturbance) vanish overnight. I’m healing, and I’ve got a ways to go. But contrary to what I used to believe, the answer isn't to stave off love and hold out until I’m miraculously healed. Instead, it lies in embracing a life where I stand as the sole protagonist, no longer waiting for someone to save me from myself. It’s about nurturing and expanding my sense of self whether or not romance is in the picture.